The Inferiority Radar

Girl at the Mirror, courtesy of Ken Worley

Better is the enemy of good

Voltaire

We all strive to be better. We are continuously encouraged to improve, and sometimes even pressured to do so against our will. We've embraced the idea of lifelong enhancement as an unquestionable aspect of what it means to be human. And why shouldn't we? It seems noble enough, and largely preferable to the alternative, for a person that quits this struggle for betterment is peppered with negative adjectives such as lazy, unambitious, useless, good for nothing, etc. If we read between the lines however, we encounter a surprising paradox.

Wisdom of the Wrinkled

If the stars should appear but one night every thousand years, 

how man would marvel and stare.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've always been fascinated by the sometimes "strange" life advice that older people give. It hasn't been until this semester - studying psychology as a second career - that I've learned why that is. A profound change occurs in how we perceive the world as we grow older (60 years and up), and I think most of us intuitively know this in some way or another, whether or not we've studied psychology. So what changes exactly? Simply put, we turn our attention to things that REALLY matter in life. Why do we do this? Because at some point a certain fact of life hits us full force -- our time is limited.

Evolved to Chill

If you desire many things, many things will seem few.

- Benjamin Franklin

Train for a marathon and your endurance increases. Go on a diet and your body learns to consume fewer calories. Ride a bicycle everyday and your legs become stronger. The human body adapts to the environments we subject it to... and so does the mind. It's easy to pay attention to the environment we subject our bodies to because we can visibly see the effects -- i.e. sitting in a cubicle every day and gaining weight; doing yardwork for 3 weeks and your back begins to hurt; working out everyday and witnessing your muscles grow or waistline diminish. On the other hand, it's much harder to observe the effects of the environment on the mind. I would suggest that these effects, although less apparent, are even more critical to our wellbeing. It is then important to consider which types of environments lead to greater well-being. In other words, what environments should we subject our minds to if we want to be happy? The answer may be surprising.

If Time Stood Still

There is a place where time stands still.

Raindrops hang motionless in air. Pendulums

of clocks float mid-swing. Dogs raise

their muzzles in silent howls. Pedestrians

are frozen on the dusty streets, their legs

cocked as if held by strings. The aromas of

dates, mangoes, coriander, cumin are suspended

in space.

As a traveler approaches this place from

any direction, he moves more and more

Taming the Emotions

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers 

within yourself that you have built against it   

-Rumi

They say happiness comes from within. They say it's created there - within. They say it's self-triggered. If we haven't figured out how to trigger the creation of happiness from within, it's only because we don't know where to look. We don't know how to look. They say it's the same for all human emotions, positive and negative. They are all triggered and created within.

Beneath Your Feet

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with the golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

-William Butler Yeats

One year ago today I was preparing to send admissions essays and recommendation letters to various MBA programs. It never happened. I dropped it all and changed course to embark on a different path. It was not easy, especially when facing so much resistance from people around me -- even from those closest to me. We all have an opinion on how others should conduct their lives. But learning to yield and embrace the dreams of others may be the better way. In fact, I'll put it a bit more honestly: it is the better way.

The Way of Grace

The nuns taught us there were two ways through life - the way of nature 

and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow.

I've never written a movie critique before, but after watching the Tree of Life for a third time, I'm feeling particularly inspired. Sure there are many movies that some people like and some people don't (i.e. Saw VI), but never before have I experienced such a radical degree of polarization over a film. After arriving home from the second viewing, a neighbor staunchly commented that it was the worst movie she had ever seen. How's that for a movie review? Other people I know have snored their way through it and even left the movie theater in extreme consternation - partly because the theater staff wouldn't provide a refund. On the other hand, there is a certain type of people that has been moved to tears and profoundly affected by the emotional and existential significance of the subject matter. But how can this extreme contrast exist? How is it possible that we lie on such opposite ends of the spectrum of internal experience? I use the term experience because even if one doesn't understand the film the first time through, one is still capable of feeling its effect.

In other words, you don't have to fully understand it to be significantly moved. But how are we being moved exactly? What aspect of us is being moved? Could it be worthwhile to explore this? Could it be worthwhile to find out how to access this state more often? So what exactly is this state (for lack of a better term)?

Meditation: How to do it

Chaos is a friend of mine

-Bob Dylan

Before traveling to Thailand to learn meditation, I had no idea that my friends and family would be interested in ever practicing it. Since that trip however, I've had the pleasure of showing it to loved ones in various cities, including new friends here at Harvard and MIT. We are all motivated to learn meditation by something, perhaps curiosity at first, perhaps because we feel there is something missing from the way in which we experience daily life, perhaps we've come across a significant life event that becomes unmanageable, or perhaps it's due to something else. Whatever your motivation, below are a set of simple instructions (as simple as I could make them) that will show meditation to anyone willing to spare 5 minutes of their day.

I hope you find it useful.

The Grandest Illusion

The great obstacle is always the representation and never the reality

- Etty Hillesum

Preconceptions and misconceptions have engulfed the concept of meditation. Some people believe it's tied to Buddhism and cannot be detached from archaic supernatural beliefs. Others believe it's simply a tool to relax and reduce rampant stress levels in the mind and body. Still others who ponder it a bit more deeply - though still erroneously - argue that it detracts from our very human ability to experience the full spectrum of emotions. One common theme seems to unite the people who believe any or all of these things however - none of them have ever truly meditated. So what is it really about then?

It is about dispelling an illusion - the illusion that our subjective experiences are equivalent to objective reality.  

Say what?

Opening the Mind

Know Thyself

- engraved at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi

Many civilizations have regarded self-knowledge as the catalyst and indicator of wisdom. The path to self-knowledge is self-examination, but that is no longer a component of our education system as it once was. This is unfortunate by any account. In our modern westernized world, self-examination seems to have been limited to the areas of interpersonal counseling and few others.

The White Flag Hypothesis (2 of 2)

It is only after we have lost everything,
That we are free to do anything.

Underlying every human experience, mine and yours, there is a hidden but ever-present psychological struggle with existence itself. As we all know but seldom discuss, there is no way to win this struggle – we can’t help that our consciousness will cease to be at some point. Maybe sooner, maybe later. Given the futility and stress inherent to this phenomenon, we’ve become quite adept at hiding this primal dilemma of human life. The better we hide it or pretend it doesn’t exist, the better off we will be. Or so we think.

The White Flag Hypothesis (1 of 2)

If you young fellows were wise, the devil couldn't do anything to you, 

but since you aren't wise, you need us who are old.  

- Martin Luther

As people age and the end of life comes clearly into view, something weird and interesting happens in the brain. Call it a "cognitive shift" or transcendence for now. This "shift" happens not only to old folks; but also to people who are afflicted by a terminal illness, experience the death of a spouse/child/best friend/sibling/parent, suffer an intense life-threatening accident, lose all of their possessions and/or wealth, experiment with psychedelic drugs, etc. (geez, all the cool stuff right?). See my previous post for some real world anecdotes. In essence, these events act like powerful psychological triggers in the brain, often resulting in a wildly transformative shift away from current views of ourselves, of other people, of deeply held values or beliefs, and of our very understanding of existence. Whew!

The View from Outside

If we concern ourselves with meaning, society provides us with little direction.

I've always been curious, perhaps uncommonly so. When I was about 12 or 13 years old, I remember wanting to conduct an experiment interviewing older people who were nearing the end of their lives - say, 80 years or older. The setting wouldn't matter (nursing homes, family homes, in a cabin in the forest, etc.) but mental clarity certainly would. The main question I wanted to ask them was, "Having lived a 'full life' and possessing more wisdom than most, what would you say are the best ways to spend one's time?" In other words, "What truly matters?" I always had an underlying feeling that the various life pursuits advocated by family, school, and television were cleverly constructed distractions from what truly matters. The real answer to that question may produce a considerable degree of anxiety, but I figured these old wise folk - with less concern for social constructs - could shed some light on it.

Wheel of Values (research series)

 

The greatest virtues are those which are most useful to other persons.  - Aristotle

Here's an intriguing psych/sociological finding that's caught my attention recently; the initial question is: what values are embedded in our brains by the society we grow up in? It's difficult and perhaps a little unfair to judge an entire social system negatively off the bat, but if we break the system into the human values it advocates among its inhabitants, we can more fairly and accurately evaluate the subjective "goodness" of the system based on these individual values.

After an in-depth analysis spanning a couple of decades and tens of social scientists, a list of 9 universal human values was compiled. Here they are:

Conformity/Tradition: restraint of actions, inclinations, and impulses likely to upset or harm others and violate social expectations or norms.

Security:  safety, harmony, and stability of society, of relationships, and of self (social order, family security, national security, reciprocation of favors, clean, sense of belonging, healthy).

Power: attainment of social status and prestige, and control or dominance over people and resources (authority, wealth, social power, preserving my public image, social recognition).

Achievement: personal success through demonstrating competence according to social standards (ambitious, successful, capable, influential).

Hedonism: pleasure or sensuous gratification for oneself (pleasure, enjoying life).

Stimulation: excitement, novelty, and challenge in life (a varied life, an exciting life, daring).

Self-Direction: independent thought and action such as choosing, creating, exploring (creativity, freedom, choosing own goals, curious, independent).

Universalism: understanding, appreciation, tolerance, and protection for the welfare of all people and for nature. This contrasts with the narrower focus of benevolence values.

Benevolence: preservation and enhancement of the welfare of people with whom one is in frequent personal contact (helpful, loyal, forgiving, honest, responsible, true friendship, mature love).

The resulting pie chart was named the circumplex model of values. In this model, the values (represented by slices of the pie) that are closer to each other share similar structures and go hand in hand, meaning that they are pursued together (i.e. Achievement and Power). Theoretically, our pursuits are concentrated in one contiguous area of the chart, and we cannot scatter our pursuits in opposing areas. In fact, the values opposite each other are incompatible and extremely difficult (if not impossible) to pursue simultaneously (i.e. Achievement and Benevolence). Here is the chart:

Circumplex model of values, Schwartz (1992).

So now, what values does our society encourage? It may be of little surprise that free market capitalistic societies promote the values of Achievement, Power, and Security above others. What is surprising, at least to me, is that the pursuit of these values is incompatible with the pursuit of the values Self-Direction, Universalism, and Benevolence. You can't pursue Power while pursuing Universalism. You can't pursue Self-Direction while pursuing Security. You can't do both. You have to choose.

The foundational tenets of our society (i.e. self-interest, competition, financial success, and materialism) have allowed the generation of great wealth and alleviated certain problems facing humanity - undoubtedly so. However, it is important to remember that these aims conflict with and undermine pursuits long thought by psychologists to be essential to individual and collective well-being. These include helping the world be a better place, having committed, intimate relationships, and feeling worthy and autonomous (Kasser et al., 2007).

References:

Schwartz, S. H. (1992). Universals in the content and structure of values: Theory and empirical tests in 20 countries. 

In M. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, (Vol. 25) (pp. 1–65). New York: Academic Press.

Kasser, T., Cohn, S., Kanner, A.D., Ryan, R.M. (2007). Some Costs of American Corporate Capitalism:
A Psychological Exploration of Value and Goal Conflicts. Psychological Inquiry, 18 (1), 1-22.

Diving for Clams (research series)

Happy people know what they want, but they are not ambitious. They are not the people who build civilizations.  - Susan Greenfield, Pharmacologist, Oxford University

The experiments I am helping to conduct here deal with happiness in some form or another. To my surprise, one experiment I have been invited to assist with is a replication and expansion of a famous 1978 experiment titled "Lottery Winners and Accident Victims: Is Happiness Relative?" This study tried to determine how the happiness reported by recent lottery winners differed from that reported by recently paralyzed individuals. I'd like to briefly share the results of this and other studies I liked, as the findings will certainly affect how I choose to spend the rest of my life. And maybe they will affect how you choose too :)

Lottery Winners and Accident Victims: Is Happiness Relative?
On a regular day, we predict that winning the lottery will make us very happy - probably forever - and we predict that becoming paralyzed will make us very unhappy - probably forever. But this is found not to be the case.

A Chance to Learn

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts. - Buddha

If you're interested in learning Vipassana (mindfulness) meditation, here's your chance. The instructor teaching this course is the one who taught me in Thailand in December of last year. Needless to say, I wholeheartedly encourage this, especially if you are even remotely interested in the topics I write about.

What is vipassana? Vi means 'to see' while passana means 'clearly' or 'deeply.' It is the oldest form of meditation and the form originally practiced by the Buddha. Who's the Buddha you say? Set aside 2 hours, a bowl of popcorn, and watch the documentary here.

I originally stated my thoughts on my 21-day meditation course here. Below is the invitation to the current course.
___________________________________________________________

We are happy to announce that Thanat Chindaporn will be coming to Stoney Creek, Ontario (near Hamilton) to teach a Vipassana meditation course from June 13-26, 2011.

Teacher

Thanat Chindaporn is a lay meditation teacher in the Therevada Buddhist tradition and is currently the Director of the International Meditation Department at Wat Phradhatu Sri Chomtong Voravihara, Chomtong,

The Microcosmic Toilet

Renunciation is not getting rid of the things of this world, but accepting that they pass away - Aitken Roshi

An insightful and penetrating analogy occurred to me this morning as I sat down on the toilet. Most toilet seats are made of either of a hard plastic or a plastic/wood mix and these materials can get quite cold - especially in the winter months or if the AC is on full blast, right? Imagine you wake up one morning, clothed in comfortable cotton or flannel pajamas, and head over to the bathroom to sit on the toilet as you normally might. Keeping in mind that having just exited from the toasty confine created by your bedsheets and comforter, your body still retains a relatively warm internal temperature (aka homeostatic regulation). You pull your pants down in preparation for landing and then something astounding happens. Brace yourself.

In that very instance -- in those infinitesimal fractions of a second in which your butt (which was previously tucked away safely and thoughtlessly behind 1 or 2 layers of clothing) makes initial contact with the cold, hard, plastic material that comprises your toilet seat -- in this very moment, a moment seemingly frozen in vast stretches of space and time, the soft, warm, vulnerable flesh of your rear end is pierced by a hostile, sinister, and merciless icy surface -- in this very moment, a raw, primitive, and overwhelming feeling envelopes your soul and entire being: crawling up from the depths of oblivion on 9 hairy, black, and gnarly legs, the feeling reveals itself to you... fear - fear that death has finally come.

Millimeter by millimeter, the final stretches of your rump's skin mesh with the arctic torture chamber below and your entire biological system is flooded with a silent panic. With little awareness of what's transpiring, you make a desperate gasp for a single angst-stricken breath of air, holding it in for as long as humanly possible, as if it were the last you will ever take on this earth. In an instant, your shoulders and upper back muscles jerk upward violently and involuntarily; your neck muscles compress and lock in position; your chest tightens; the corners of your eyes cringe and crinkle; your cheeks recede into your face; the little hairs on your limbs stand erect; and, in one swift defensive maneuver, your entire body is on red alert in anticipation of its imminent destruction. In your mind, the only perception is pain. In your heart, the only feeling is fear. The only reality is stress and anxiety. But in many cases and on many mornings, it just simply, flat-out, feels like death.

But then, in what seems as the most unlikeliest of possible outcomes, Death does not find you. The pain and stress recede. The vision of doom loosens its grip and disintegrates. The little hairs on your arms and legs descend into their usual haphazardly curly or straight positions. Your cheeks, eyes, chest, neck, back, and shoulders all submerge into the ocean of neutrality once more. And then... you finally take a breath. Breathe.

Now, peaceful enlightenment. Your butt has adapted to the cold seat. Wow. What a rush.

***    ***    ***    ***    ***    ***

As fanciful and insignificant as this detailed account of sitting on a cold toilet seat may sound, I think there is something worth pondering here. Our feelings and thoughts often mislead us. They are not accurate representations of what's truly happening in the world. Just like we're horrible predictors of our future emotional states, current emotional states are horrible predictors of our future well-being. The main problem is that we take these insignificant emotional fluctuations too seriously.

Certain - but not all - values advocated by society make matters worse. Instead of supporting us in a psychological journey to understand, to accept, and to appreciate that our butt can adapt to the toilet seat, marketers and advertisers tempt us into purchasing one of these. This eliminates a chance of cultivating far-reaching, healthy, and highly protective mental defense mechanisms (such as the virtue of acceptance in this case) and opt for immediate avoidance of insignificant emotional signals instead. This is the source of most of our problems... personal, interpersonal, and otherwise. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not their fault. It's no one's fault. Really. We're simply human. Big whoop.

It's often necessary to take a calm and philosophical step back from the madness. Take a look at what's really going on. What is real? Ask yourself why you are stressed over this or why are you worrying over that. Dig in a little, but do it calmly. It's a tough process.

Most great thinkers converge on the same finding: there is very little, if anything, to fear in this life. Realizing this is the hard part. But it's the most valuable part. It requires practice. And this practice revolves around a single exercise: Make a conscious effort to observe our fears and insecurities with compassion instead of hiding from them or sweeping them under a rug (or purchasing a heated toilet seat). Every instance in which we feel discomfort (or fear, or any other negative emotion) is a wonderful opportunity to practice. The Buddha encouraged others to practice this exercise - and he called this exercise meditation.

So in conclusion, the next time you're about to sit on a cold toilet seat, smile, will you?  :)

On the Elusiveness of True Love

I don't personally trust any revolution where love is not allowed - Maya Angelou

My interest in psychology and sociology primarily lies in their capacity to explain human relationships. Why do I concentrate on relationships? For 3 important reasons:

1. Impact: Relationships have a proven deterministic effect on each person's overall happiness and well-being. 
2. Curiosity: Ever since I arrived from Europe, I have noticed a striking divide between how Americans treat each other and how Europeans treat each other. I've always wondered why this difference exists.
3. Altruism: From my life experiences, I've realized it's possible - though very difficult - to change our perspectives. We can, therefore, modify our views on relationships; I think this shift should subsequently lead to greater happiness or satisfaction with life in general. I only share in hopes that it may help.

2 underlying factors serve to explain relationship dynamics in any country: the specific values embedded into us by society/culture and how a repeated stimulus (i.e. a societal/cultural value) shapes our brain. I'm particularly interested in how these 2 factors function in the U.S. population because (a) I live here, and (b) I feel that a significant obstacle to relationship development exists.

I think the following excerpt reveals this obstacle. I do believe that it can be overcome however (I would not write this post if I didn't believe this - my aim is not to discourage). The excerpt is long and not easy to read, but I think it is accurate. When you reach the end, check out the date when it was written...

____________________________________

IF LOVE is a capacity of the mature, productive character, it follows that the capacity to love in an individual living in any given culture depends on the influence this culture has on the character of the average person. If we speak about love in "contemporary Western culture,” we mean to ask whether the social structure of Western civilization and the spirit resulting from it are conducive to the development of love. To raise the question is to answer it in the negative. No objective observer of our Western life can doubt that love--brotherly love, motherly love, and erotic love--is a relatively rare phenomenon, and that its place is taken by a number of forms of pseudo-love which are in reality so many forms of the disintegration of love.

The Poverty of Human Utility

Efficiency is for things, not people - Stephen Covey

Human beings are not tools, but we treat ourselves as such. We have come to gauge self-worth in terms of what we do well and what we don't do well; what we can offer, and what we can't. This utilitarian view of ourselves and others ignores to acknowledge the true inherent "value" of human beings. What do I mean by inherent value? Appreciating someone just for being. I know, sounds alien right? This is a pity because we, as members of the same species, are the only ones capable of appreciating another human being's inherent value. Imagine a pair of scissors you buy at CVS. If they cut well, then the scissors are cool. If they don't cut well, or they're dull, then the scissors are not cool; in fact, throw them out. Here's a different example:

Do the tasks in your life leave little time for your family and friends? Are the requirements at work increasing everyday? Do you have time to talk with your co-workers, friends, and family? The Digital Age has brought convenience, but at the same time, our lives seem more complicated. Having a Social Support System can ease the stress and strain of everyday life. 

- taken from an ad for a health insurance company

Where can I buy this system? Does it come with instructions? What's the tech support number in case I have problems? The term "Social Support System" focuses on the utility of human relationships. Wondering about the utility of something is simply wondering "what is it good for?" or rather, "how can I use it?" In this case, the message transmitted to the reader is that the utility (or function) of people is to assist you in relieving stress and strain. It is problematic to think of human beings in this way however, and it's also... quite unhuman to do so. We haven't evolved the seemingly magical capacity for emotion, language, love, and human thought for no reason. Right? Well, the current societal lens through which we we view relationships may be hiding this magic from view. 

Some Examples

Facebook and other similar sites seem to add more fuel to the fire, facilitating our perception of friends - aka human beings - as units in a network seemingly designed to provide us with all the evaluative tools needed to measure our own self-worth. How many friends do you have? Or, how many happy birthday messages did you get on your birthday? 32, yeah? Well I got 42, sucka.

Go to any networking class. Networking classes are interesting because they shamelessly encourage techniques aimed at exploiting the utility of other people. If you see someone you like at a conference or other public event, networking professionals can show you how to "maneuver" yourself - through physical and psychological adjustments - to manipulate a person's perception of you. These lessons, the fact that they are accepted in society, and the fact that networking professionals even exist, are also problematic to the valuation of inherent human worth.

Consider the following terms and questions:

• "social support system," 
• "human resource management" 
• "human capital"
• "what have you done for me?" 
• "what do you have to offer?" 
• "why should I pay attention to you?" 
• etc.

Uttering one or more of these may be a fairly reliable indicator of a utilitarian perspective and their ubiquitous use in human relationships is further detrimental to the development of the best possible measures of human worth. How did this focus on "what can that person offer me" come about? Well, the "maximization of resources" tenet of industrialization and economics that runs unchecked and unchallenged in the professional world seems to have spilled over into the personal world. We have been taught to maximize everything, from tests at school, to grades, to our jobs, to our incomes, to our degrees, to our partners, to our children, etc. People are not resources however, nor can they be maximized without deep psychological consequences.

3 personal exploratory questions:

• Can I see how treating others in this way is utilitarian (focusing on their usefulness)?
• If so, is it good?
• How can we focus the mind on inherent value rather than on utility?
  

If you can't see this, then my suggestion for the first question is travel. Go away, beyond these borders. South America, Asia, Africa, wherever. Just go. Stay for an extended period of time - a couple of months or more. And reflect. We need to step outside of the system to even see it. Perhaps there are other ways, I'm not sure. But travel may be a good place to start. The rest of the answers seem to come on their own after that.

Thank you reader, simply for reading.

3 Articles

"Is the World Too Big to Fail?" by Noam Chomsky
On the current state of the world











"The words that could unlock your child" on BBC
On how to give praise to others... not just children. Highlights an experiment by Stanford social psychologist Carol Dweck










 Interview with Stanford Professor Clifford Nass on FRONTLINE
On multitasking

Bad is Stronger than Good (research series)

It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it. - Benjamin Franklin

If I were to say "God, why me?" about the bad things, then I should have said "God, why me?" about the good things. - Arthur Ashe

Bad things are more attractive, have a greater impact, and are longer lasting on our memory than good things. Bad emotions are stronger than good emotions. The same goes for bad parents vs. good parents, critiques vs. compliments, failures vs. achievements, etc. We are more motivated to avoid bad self-definitions than to pursue good ones. Our brains process bad information much more thoroughly than good information. Hardly any exceptions can be found (where good is stronger than bad).

Think about it. Why is it that no matter how many great things we have accomplished in life, one negative outcome can make us feel worthless? Why is it that no matter how excellent a romantic relationship we've nurtured, it takes but one regrettable comment to spark a destructive downward spiral? One horrible traumatic experience (rape, abuse, violence, etc.) can mutate our behaviors and perspectives for life. Can you think of a positive equivalent of trauma? Barbara Frederickson, a respected psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, determined that it takes approximately 3 positive experiences to offset 1 negative experience - and that ratio may only be valid for mild negative experiences...

Two questions: 

• why is bad stronger than good? 
• what does this mean to us?

Why?

Evolution offers a satisfying answer: paying more attention to negative things helped our ancestors avoid death. Being extra cautious thousands of years ago helped them avoid death and, therefore, have more sex - greatly benefiting the future proliferation of their genes. Taking a leisurely stroll through the heart of the jungle to enjoy the sounds of nature, the aroma of wild flowers, and the fluttering of butterflies did little to prolong any mammal's survival - in fact, such a foolish decision could swiftly wipe that mammal's DNA from the gene pool if unlucky enough to encounter a sharply-toothed or clawed predator. The myriad of different species we see in the world today, including our own, are here because their ancestors did not stop to "listen to the music" or to "smell the flowers" - they are here because their ancestors avoided death time and time again by developing caution. Fear promotes cautious behavior. Safety is and has always been the top priority of all species and our brains have evolved accordingly.

Fear and certainty is good. Courage and uncertainty is bad. If listening to the music and smelling the flowers is useless... then where is happiness placed in this context?

So what?

We lean towards negativity and pessimism by our very nature. We see threats to our survival everywhere. Our brains are continuously on the lookout for these threats and, if one is found (and it always is), the brain activates the alarm of the central nervous system. Stress hormones are released, muscles tense up, the heart pumps faster, breaths are shorter, etc. We are in fight-or-flight mode. Unfortunately for us, imaginary threats to our survival have the same effect on us. In our everyday lives, I'd say that 99% of threats are imaginary, and these sustain us in a perpetual state of neurotic self-activation. They don't even have to be big threats...

As a teenager, I'd break out a lot. I would get one or two really big blemishes, on my forehead, or my cheeks or chin, and they'd last forever. I felt like they became the focus of my face. I felt like no matter how much makeup I put on, that's all people looked at: my huge, red, sore pimples. It was really devastating. - Jennifer Berry, Proactiv Celebrity Spotlight

So what? Well, how can something as insignificant as a pimple feel like a devastating life experience? Maybe a teenager is told that pimples make you look ugly. Maybe if you're ugly, the opposite sex will never want to talk to you. Maybe you'll never procreate. Maybe your genes will die off. Our brains make unconscious associations and sound the alarm. Panic. Commercial products like Proactiv provide salvation to these imagined threats that our brains are unable to distinguish from real threats. All we know is that we are being threatened and must either flee or eradicate the source of threat. Proactiv then becomes "awesome".

Expand this phenomenon to every other aspect of life and you have the negativity bias – an extremely powerful evolutionary adaptation that compels us to gravitate towards and give undue attention and priority to negative shit. Now you know why Fox News has the most viewers.

Our brains hold the key to our emotions and moods. Happiness is not easy to reach if we are prone to the negative. Don't make it worse by criticizing, scolding, pressuring, and ruminating about negative things. Your unconscious brain already does that ridiculously well. With the little conscious ability we do have, be kind to yourself. It may be the only path to lasting happiness.

Citations:

• Baumeister, R.F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K.D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5, 323-370.
• Fredrickson, Barbara L.; Losada, Marcial F.(2005). Positive Affect and the Complex Dynamics of Human Flourishing. American Psychologist, Vol 60(7), Oct 2005, 678-686.

Perspectival Shift

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know - Ernest Hemingway
 
Numerous realizations over the previous 7 months have given me access to the bigger picture, not just of the corporate world I initially renounced, but of life itself. Perhaps this "view from the outside" may be what I had been striving for all along - back when I canceled my MBA applications. Like a pebble stuck in your shoe, under your foot... you can't see it but you can feel it. While it's administering intermittent spurts of discomfort, there's no way to guarantee that it's even a pebble. You might then wonder, "hey, maybe I'm just imagining it, you know, maybe there's nothing even there. Maybe if I ignore it, the discomfort will go away." But the feeling's undeniable. What is this feeling? It's the feeling of being detached from what truly matters.

I guess some people just try to pull the pebble out. Part of the research and studies I've been working on revolves around the scientific basis for happiness. Questions such as:

• what do we believe makes us happy? 
• are our beliefs correct?
• are there different types of happiness? 
• is anything preventing us from reaching it (them)?
• is there a common underlying structure to the experience of happiness?
• what is this structure?
• and... does happiness matter?

The collective findings may not be very comforting... for various reasons and especially at first. In the coming weeks I would like to share some of my personal thoughts on these findings and on the questions listed above. Let's see if this train goes anywhere at all.

Bending First

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken. -Albert Camus

Something's different. I have been welcomed quite pleasantly by the people here at the university -- students and faculty alike. Some have even opened up to helping me on the PhD career path in significant and perhaps life-altering ways that I could not have envisioned before. But me? Why are they helping me? After all, I'm simply a stranger with an obscure background and a short list of contacts. Surprising? Only at first. But I have been experiencing a generalized "empathic" aura emanating from those around me. People want to help me. The funny thing is that it emanates more strongly from strangers. Besides, it's quite unextraordinary for family members or the closest of friends to lend a hand... but for complete strangers to do so, especially when coming from very different backgrounds? What's going on?

I think Bill Clinton knows. In his speech at Harvard University in 2007, he stated,

"Human beings... are 99.9% identical, genetically." 

"It’s too bad that we spend much more time thinking about the .1 percent that divides us than the 99.9 percent that we have in common, because that imbalance keeps us from making positive changes in the world."

The main idea of this post is that there are no strangers. We are all the same. We are all in this together. We all experience the journey of life in the same ways. Sure the life of a starving child in Bihar -- one of the poorest states in India -- may seem alien to us, otherwordly perhaps, and detrimental even, to our understanding, acceptance, and embracement of Clinton's "99.9% identical" idea. But think about it. Say that the geographic lottery chose Bihar as your birthplace, instead of the U.S., Europe, Australia, or wherever your birthplace actually is. How do you think you would deal with the challenges and obstacles of your life? How would you deal with the severe food shortage, contaminated water, and other challenging life conditions? Where would you be? Where would I be? Probably in a very similar, or even identical, position as that child --- starving and illiterate on the streets of Bihar. We all experience life in similar ways and therefore we respond to life in similar ways. Our humanity precedes and supersedes our experiences, circumstances, and individualized identities.

How does this relate to empathy and my warm welcome? Well, we are social beings for starters. The scientific research on happiness shows that social relations reign over almost all other sources of well-being -- yes, even over McDonald's french fries :) We are moved to tears over acts of outstanding empathy and even feel encouraged to imitate the goodness of others to at least lesser degrees. Give empathy, humility, and direct consideration to others selflessly, even strangers, and they are compelled to reciprocate. I am pushing myself to give empathy, show humility, and continuously put others' needs before mine. It's not easy, but it gets easier. Whether they be scientists from developed nations or poor children from Bihar, we all respond to our shared humanity above all else. I think that this is the reason why I'm here.

Our minds are wired to give back automatically -- but they're not wired to give first. So give. Give without hesitation. Give without thought to the self. Be selfless. Just give.Whoever it is, wherever we are, we all open up. But you have to open first. You are the first to bend. So bend.

Practical Results

The path doesn't exist. It is created with each step you take.

Let me rewind. The purpose of this blog was to document a journey in thought and in action through the wilderness of a 27-year-old's search for meaning. I knew that canceling my MBA applications to pursue a passion I had minimal formal training in would force me to reach beyond my familiar means and notions of how to progress towards a typical goal. One of the very first steps I took led me to Asia to learn meditation with Buddhist monks. This next step has led me to becoming a researcher at Harvard University. I understand the means I'm using to advance down this path are not those typically publicized in the news, advocated by mom and dad, nor suggested in any career-hunter's guide -- the only means I use are those dictated by my intuition. Why? Because my intuition is smarter than I am. Huh?

My workload is increasing as well as my understanding. My brain is being inundated with so much information that it's exploded and right now I'm on the floor trying to pick up all the pieces. I'll post more updates soon when I begin making more sense of what's transpiring. Besides, there is always a bit more juice to squeeze out of these experiences. A big thank you to those who have - and are - supporting me.

The journey is getting interesting. Stay tuned.

Your Mind as a Muscle

We have probably learned more about the brain in the past 20 years than in all of recorded history. -Alan Leshner

Two years ago I completed the popular P90X workout/diet program. The physical results were astounding. After 90 grueling days, I managed to transform a completely average body into a muscular, chiseled, flexible, and highly-efficient one.  The before and after photos alone were enough to motivate friends, family, and coworkers to begin the program themselves. However, the program involves no groundbreaking exercises, no secret weight-loss pills, and no high-tech exercise equipment. The only secret of the program lies in consistency. You workout 7 days a week and the diet is followed every hour of the day. P90X simply leverages the human body's ability to change through consistency. Anything you practice for 1 hour a day for 90 days will produce results. That's the secret - and it's a powerful one.

What we have difficulty realizing however, is that our brain works in the same way as our body. The only significant difference between the processes of physical adaptation and psychological adaptation is that the results of one are largely visible while the results of the other are largely invisible. We can confidently state that in our society, greater value is placed on visible results.

Our environment literally rewires our brains

The weaving of new neural connections and unweaving of old connections is termed "neuroplasticity" and it defines our brain's ability to change. From the moment of conception until the moment of our last breath, the brain is physically molded by external stimuli (relationships, nutrition, career, advertising, etc.) as well as internal stimuli (thoughts and emotions). The longer we expose ourselves to the same stimuli (consistency), the stronger the consequential connection becomes. And since our brain "doesn't care" whether the stimuli is good or bad (i.e. smiling at a baby as opposed to committing murder), the neural connections are formed independent of your desire or moral judgment. In short, the more a certain stimuli pervades your life, the more your brain seeks it out. You don't even have to do anything for these connections to form - simply thinking or feeling is enough to lay building blocks in the mind.

A brain that is constantly exposed to negative stimuli will become conditioned to it. Feeling guilty and pessimistic day in and day out will eventually become the "new" normal thanks to the adaptive nature of the brain. This is how most well-marked psychological traits - including optimism, trust, depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolarity, and even cultural traits - develop. The typical Japanese, for example, tends to think of him/her self as part of a group while the typical American has been conditioned to individualism. The foundations for these states are mapped out in the brain through the physical restructuring of neural pathways. Once formed, they are very difficult to change and impossible to change quickly.  This can be positive if the environment promotes positive attributes such as empathy, appreciation, and generosity... but what if the promoted attributes are negative? What if the environment lays the wiring for selfishness, inadequacy, materialism, superiority, and narcissism? 

Is it then the individual's fault if they freefall into the bowels of depression even in affluence? Are they solely responsible for developing a disastrous self-image and a distorted perception of beauty? Are they to blame if they commit murder due to a suppressed sense of esteem and respect for others? Who's to blame? Their parents? And if the parents were subjected to the same neural conditioning? Hmmm.

Raise your Consciousness

We see new things in terms of things we already understand. - Jon Haidt

Changing your mind about whether you should watch Black Swan or True Grit tonight is easy. Changing your mind about complex established beliefs is extremely difficult (imagine a devout Evangelical creationist trying to accept evolution). And typically, the longer the prior belief is held and accepted to be true, the more difficult changing your mind becomes. These tremendous changes in psychological perception by exploring the nature of our beliefs are sometimes referred to as "consciousness raisers," and tend to require extraordinary effort.

Flatland

You are a two-dimensional square that lives in Flatland. Your family members, friends, neighbors, are and have always been 2D geometric shapes. Your home, the bank, the post office, the cars, and everything else in Flatland is also 2D, measurable only by length and width. There is left, right, front, and back, but there is no up or down. A spaceship from another planet enters Flatland's atmosphere. One of the ship's passengers, a three-dimensional sphere, descends to Flatland. The 2D inhabitants see the Sphere only when he (or she) touches the ground, but even then he's seen only as a 2D circle. The Sphere approaches you:

"Hello" he says. 

     "Hi Circle" you respond. 

"Circle? But I'm a Sphere, I have three-dimensions, can't you see?" 

     "A Sphere? 3D? Are you mad? There is nothing other than two dimensions, everyone knows that!"

"So you really can't see? Here, allow me to show you." 

The Sphere grabs you by the hand and flies you up to the skies above. You look down for the first time in your life, stupefied and in utter shock, as you witness Flatland from the third dimension. You know that your consciousness has been raised and that nothing will ever be the same. The Sphere brings you back down and you attempt to convince your loved ones of the third dimension only to be met with confusion and pity. To your great dismay, you realize that words are meaningless to describe your experience.

This story is adapted from the book "Flatland," written in 1884 by Edwin Abbott.

The Truman Show

"We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented," is perhaps the most psychologically profound line from The Truman Show. Jim Carrey's character, Truman Burbank, begins to question his longest held beliefs about life and his place in the world. This requires a raise in consciousness. Towards the end of the film, Truman feels the need to physically depart from his reality by sailing away on a boat to the end of the ocean in order to understand it. Check out the following 2 minute clip of Truman's initial attempt at raising his own consciousness:

The Matrix
This film also highlights the importance of questioning the nature of your reality. In the clip below, the line to look out for is stated by Morpheus, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." This is important. We cannot convince our brains with words and explanations of what's true and false. The brain must experience it, there is no other way. Even if you do get intuitive "nudges" to question the the nature of numerous beliefs you have been told about (such as the nature of happiness), you will not be able to truly understand, feel, and live that belief or other beliefs unless you experience them personally first. You have to pay to play. Or in the words of Morpheus, "I can only show you the door. You are the one that has to walk through it."

Departure

The previous 3 examples do not presume to deal with reality. It may be a mistake to assume that they do. They are simply metaphors for consciousness-raising. And what better way to convey the invisible workings of the mind than through metaphors we can tangibly relate to? One common theme in these metaphors is that the main character had to depart his current reality in order to raise his consciousness.

This provides us with insight into our own lives. If we find the need to question a long-held belief, we must depart from it and observe it objectively. The result will either be to embrace the belief more fully because you find it to be true, or to abandon it because you find it to be false. Though books, friends, movies, my posts, and even your own thoughts may help you grasp certain beliefs conceptually, they will not allow you to raise your consciousness - or, put even more intuitively, to "feel" those beliefs.

To raise your consciousness about (Western) society, pack your bag and travel to Asia, Africa, or South America. To raise your consciousness about human thought and emotion, start meditating. To raise your consciousness about what truly matters in life, let everything go. You can't just read about it. To truly understand it, you have to do it. Keep in mind however, that being conditioned to expect fast and tangible results does not facilitate these undertakings.

It's difficult, no doubt about it. But as the saying goes, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

Take it Easy!

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor Frankl

All paths lead back to the origin. Back to the root. Back to control. From the halls of Abdeen Palace in Egypt on this very day, to the moment your ex-significant other cut the relationship ties, to the rejection letter from your dream college, to the passing of a loved one, to being fired from your job for arriving late. Our most painful memories, as well as all of our problems, converge on the loss of control in the midst of addiction to... well, control. Things should work and do work as we expect them to - but only in the fantastical world of the mind. Reality works through different forces.

We weave the sense of control into existence through an autonomous development of expectations. Like a faceless and shapeless structural engineer of the mind, our frontal lobe lays down the imaginary steel tracks for the train of expectations to travel through. But in reality, the tracks aren't made of steel. They are as void of substance as the engineer who laid them. But we live our lives as if the opposite were true. And each and every time that the train of expectations derails from these illusory tracks, it crashes into the sensitive and vulnerable regions of our minds. When our expectations are not met, we hurt, we lose confidence, and we lose trust. The problem is that our brains have evolved to become hyperactive, relentless, merciless, and seemingly unstoppable creators of expectations. I believe that here, exactly here, lies the key to our unresolved potential for lasting happiness. We gotta take it easy.

The instinct to control our environment is extremely primitive. Our bipedal hominid ancestors established very basic measures of control such as hoarding food and protecting territorial boundaries for the simple and straightforward purpose of prolonging their existence. "Me save deer leg for cold day." I would assume they spent the rest of the day sitting on their ass in a cave, chillin, and maybe drawing elephants and bushes on rare occasions. In this setting, the instinct to control served them well, precisely because it had very few applications, but all critical to their existence. The instinct to control has prevailed in the gene pool until the present day, where its purpose as a mechanism for self-preservation has, for the most part, completely vanished. It inundates our lives to the point we vehemently attempt to control every thought, every want, and every whim our minds can produce. But to what end? It's not about the deer leg anymore.

It's about controlling everything we think we need. And what exactly do we need? If you ask your parents, it's to get a degree. If you ask your wife, it's to get a [better] job. If you ask your history professor, it's to study history.  If you watch FOX, it's to buy gas masks for the impending biological terrorist attacks. If you watch Lifetime, it's to find a knight in shining armor. If you watch commercials, it might be a million and one different things, from plastic surgery to the Twilight Eclipse Blu-ray. Our control sensor twitches with each "need" input, urging us to acquire, or rather, attempt to control our external environment in some way. But again, this control sensor was meant to prolong our existence, not to drive us crazy. We won't face impending doom without a Twilight Blu-ray, college degree, gas mask, or breast implants, but we may very well feel like we will.

A recent psychology study confirmed that the effect of increased or decreased income levels on happiness is almost negligible. Controlling our environment through acquisition, consumption, and wealth accumulation does shit for our levels of happiness apart from perhaps a 10-second head rush. Instead the constant mental rumination and mind wandering about what we want/need to control actually makes us less happy. And we do this a lot without realizing it. For this reason, I say we are conditioned to take our present 21st century lives too seriously, thus taking ourselves too seriously. Our needs, our wants, our pursuits, our material goods, our relationships... we would live much happier lives by not exerting our junkie-like addiction to control everything and everyone around us. Let them happen as they do happen. Let the pieces fall where they may. Let it be.

Eastern philosophies are popular in the west because they provide a method of doing exactly this, while western societies promote more worry, more stress, and more vain attempts to control. Armani, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, BMW, Patek Philippe, and countless others will try to convince you that their products hold the same or even greater value than the deer leg. Our brains will believe it and alter our moods, behaviors, and thoughts as if these things truly mattered to some nebulous aspect of our existence. That's fucked up. But we don't just do this with material goods. Our addiction to control spreads to every single aspect of our lives, providing intermittent spurts of happiness at the very best, and disastrous plunges into the bowels of depression and anxiety at the worst. Life is not so complicated, but we make it so. "Take it easy" may then be the most worthwhile piece of advice ever uttered by a rational being.

The Spirit of the Age

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.            - Arthur Schopenhauer

Understanding other people comes as second nature to us. Our interpersonal evaluative abilities have been trained, augmented, and refined by the simple daily act of living with others in a society. We use this ability everyday. In seconds, or even fractions of a second, we can gauge another person's intentions and motivations to a greater or lesser degree. Call it street smarts, intuition, sixth sense, experience, or simply evolution, we are somehow "programmed" to quickly see strengths and deficiencies in others. But evaluating ourselves... here is where we run into problems. Why do traits and behaviors in others seem so well-defined, so visibly sharp, so exposed, while self-evaluation can oftentimes be likened to a journey through a shapeless nebula?

I'd like to invite you to watch this documentary, if you haven't already. It was suggested by one of this blog's readers (thank you Marc) and I found it fascinating. There may be parts you agree or disagree with more than others, but its doubtless value lies in provoking introspection, not simply of yourself, but of your place in society and in the world. If you mostly see the negatives, give yourself the opportunity to practice optimism and look for the bright side. Look for the positive. Look for what's good. It's long, but I wouldn't post it if I didn't think it was worth our time. Get some popcorn and make it a movie night!

As you may know, I began a journey of introspection not too long ago, galvanized by the severe lack of introspection promoted, or at least tolerated, by society. This movie provides answers to many deep-rooted questions and concerns unearthed by my introspection. Maybe it can answer some of yours too. Enjoy.

The Social Sacrifice Hypothesis

Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people.

Our capitalistic culture has induced a deterioration in our ability to develop meaningful relationships with ourselves and others. This may be capitalism's worst consequence. Uncrossable moral chasms stand between our impoverished relationships and the higher moral and emotional needs that distinguish our humanity. We sacrifice empathy, honesty, patience, morality, and compassion for personal success. These moral chasms can be felt. Even if you are a citizen of the United States (the country with the most visible symptoms) and conditioned to emotionally-bankrupt social bonds, you can feel the chasms too, intuitively. I know you can, but you have to reach deep in order to do so. Come explore with me.

The American Dream... let's start here
We may take it for granted, but America has always been a truly unique and magical place for human beings to reside in. It still is. The intoxicating allure of America has been romantically contained in the dream of the poor immigrant who arrives on U.S. shores and single-handedly elevates the socioeconomic status of he and his family in only one generation. Until the U.S. hit full economic stride in the 20th century, a dream like this had never existed anywhere on our small blue planet. No matter how bad you wanted to succeed, your economic success always depended on the influence of others - namely government, society, church, and family. America then had a beautiful dream that boldly shifted that dependency - from them to you. The dream's internal engine - capitalism and market culture - promises that if you want it bad enough, if you work hard enough, and if you sacrifice deeply enough, you will flourish. It all depends on you, big boy. No one else. Not no mo'.

Though it has a "righteous ring" to it, depending solely on yourself is not an easy proposition. In fact, it's fucking hard. If things get screwy, guess who swallows the blame - you, baby, all you. That's scary. Before, we were members of a tribe, a group, a community, or at least a closely-knit family that shared the burden of life's successes and catastrophes with us. We were not alone then. But this "sharing" element has essentially vanished from our heavily individualistic society. The drastic paradigm shift to an over-reliance on yourself and an under-reliance on others spawned three critical and interconnected social phenomena that have distanced us from each other:

• Habituated solitude
• Aggrandizement of the ego
• Erosion of interpersonal trust

Alone in the Crowd

We live in an increasingly hostile social environment. Why hostile? Because we are alone under tremendous amounts of social pressure to succeed. By permeating every corner of our society, market culture has elevated the priority of success above all else, including our bonds with those closest to us. By accepting that we don't need to depend on others for success, we grow more insular and more habituated to pursuing our own self-interests - alone. We enjoy the BMW 5-series, 50-inch plasma, Bose home theater system, state-of-the-art kitchen, imported Italian leather living room set, heated indoor swimming pool, and the Prada designer sweater for the hairless chihuahua... by ourselves... and maybe with the chihuahua. But we are essentially alone in the crowd. Not physically, but yes emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. The greater concern is that we are habituated to this profound solitude. It is now considered normal to be completely closed to others. And what's the most natural way of coping with this lonely and hostile environment? Toughen up, sissy.

The feminist movement is a visible example of habituated solitude through toughening. In the noble pursuit of equal opportunity, equal respect, and equal voice in society, feminism has suffered a severe distortion. Like a train without brakes, the movement overcompensated for inequality, rocketing past its intended destination, and hardened women primarily against men and secondarily against love. "I'm a strong, tough, independent woman who has never needed to depend on a man for anything" is a statement commonly uttered with pride.. but commonly uttered alone. Many emotional and psychological barriers are raised by women in efforts to protect an exaggerated and, for the most part, misunderstood desire for individualism. By fiercely defending this need, women are alienating themselves from men. Watch Jerry Maguire for an example of this. But neither women nor men are to blame for we have all been trained by our culture to expertly alienate others. The "battle of the sexes" is simply another exercise in alienation through superiority. And there are many to choose from.

Who Needs 'Please' when we've got Guns? 

We are superior to others. This simple oxymoron psychologically strengthens us to deal with a cannibalistic social world, where everyone is out for themselves. It prepares us for personal success in the market culture. But if we believe we are superior to others, then our esteem for them naturally erodes. Why bother ourselves with "little people", or those who have seemingly little to offer us? When everyone adopts this perspective however, we all become "little people" to each other. Welcome to hobbit land, Frodo. It is then OK to compete without limits, it is OK to adopt a self-centered worldview, it is OK to win at the expense of others, it is even OK to win at the expense of yourself - as long as you win.

The focus is on my success after all.

My dreams, my goals, my reputation, my achievements, my social identity, my feelings, and my convenience have trumped the interpersonal virtues of empathy, compassion, patience, and tolerance. Sue my family for emotional distress? Sure, I'm hurt and they had it coming anyway. Badmouth my best friend at work to get closer to that promotion? Hey, business is business baby. Now take marriage, perhaps the most profound, complex, and fulfilling of all human social bonds in the western world, but also sometimes the most tedious, time-consuming, and inconvenient as well. We have the highest divorce rate in the world partly due to the inconvenience of marriage. Our lack of empathy, coupled with a ravenous hunger for instant gratification and immediate results, devours the slightest inconvenience as if it were a quadruple quarter-pounder with extra cheese. The point is, we get stuffed on experiences, sicken of them shortly after, and then bounce without second thoughts. The market culture has trained our minds for this - to tire quickly. Besides, who has time to savor, appreciate, digest, and cherish with so many other harvests to reap, so many channels to surf, so many restaurants to try, so much information to access, and so much technology to purchase? On a side note, anyone know when the Ipad 2 is coming out?

Empathy is just really inconvenient sometimes...

• New Yorkers step over a dying man
• Teenage boys go on school killing spree in a display of power
• Young girls starve themselves for beauty
• Hospitals refuse care to the uninsured; price is put on fingers

When Mistrust Comes In, Love Goes Out
Relationships are not business transactions. But in the words of Thomas Jefferson, "the merchant has no homeland" anymore. Thanks to market culture, the merchant is now free to practice business anywhere he pleases... at work, on the street, overseas, in his home, in your home, and even in love. Our relationships have become tit-for-tat negotiations, you give me this, I give you that. In his book "Linchpin," Seth Godin argues that a few hundred years ago, members of the same tribe did favors for each other without expectations of reciprocity. Business (a reciprocal transaction) was done solely with strangers, in this case, members of outlying tribes. By treating all of our relationships like business, we have turned everyone into strangers, even those closest to us. This has spawned a virulent lack of trust that now underlies all of our interpersonal interactions. Pick up the hitchhiker at Midtown? Careful, you know that poor people have homicidal tendencies. Let 8 year old Michelle play outside by herself? Not with all those sexual predators on the loose. Share a taxi cab ride with a stranger and split the cost? Well, you get the picture, few people would agree to this. Let's return to the realm of marriage for the final example:

Will you sign a prenuptial agreement with the one person you decide to spend the rest of your life with? 

Will you sign it with the person that makes you "whole"? The one you will love and care for in sickness and in health? Through the good times and the bad? Are these words just fluff? Placeholders? Do they mean anything? Are they just unrealistic for our times? Or just too idealistic? Perhaps the simple answer is: we don't trust them and they don't trust us. Ask yourself if that's normal. Ask yourself if that's right. We place so much value on interpersonal trust but let our sky castles crumble in the face of truth. In forcing ourselves to depend on ourselves, we forgot how to depend on others and how to allow others to depend on us. This phenomenon is festering in all of our relationships. You can't trust strangers, you can't trust friends, you can't trust family, you can't even trust your partner, and they can't trust you either. But hey, it's not all bad, at least they can't touch our bling. Yea!

Salvation or Starvation
Have you ever given up your seat on the subway to an older person, helped a stranger shovel the snow on his driveway, or given your coworker a gift without expectations? When you show even a little genuine empathy to others, you will see their eyes twinkle. That twinkle is not solely a sign of gratitude. It's a sign of rough times. A sign of starvation. We are emotionally and spiritually starved for empathy, kindness, authenticity, and a reconnection with our true selves. To continue starving, we should just keep doing what we're doing. Succeed more, acquire more, and win more at the expense of others and ourselves. I have a strong feeling however, that this road does not lead to happiness as we supposed.

Salvation, on the other hand, requires a raising of national consciousness to cultivate empathy and compassion in every single individual. Only when we step into the shoes of the other person can we even begin to understand the problem. Tenderness and kindness must also be reassociated with strength and virtue instead of weakness and despair. The obstacle? All of this goes against our nature. But then again, most great feats accomplished by our fellow men and women have gone against predictable human nature. Just ask Shakespeare, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa,  the Buddha...

Empathy is not a faucet that turns on and off, it's an ability that must be trained. Begin at home. Begin with loved ones. Then practice, practice, practice. It may be the greatest gift you ever give yourself and others.

Further Reading

• Rich, Free, & Miserable 
• Humanity on a Tightrope
• Culture of Narcissism
• The Lonely Crowd
• Revolutionary Road
• Generation Me
• The Overspent American