I Resolve

Your mind is not a single, unified, entity. It is a committee.

We think we are in control of our behaviors. But what happens if you've sworn off smoking and a single stressful moment "pushes you" to buy the next last pack? Or if you are following a strict diet, but the waiter places a slice of warm chocolate cake with pecans and a side of cool vanilla ice cream (or whatever dessert you like) on the table in front of you? What about when you decide to work out every single day for the next 3 months? Or when you decide to become more optimistic? Or when you decide to remain forever faithful to your partner? How about when you decide to become a less angry person? Why do we all know that lasting commitment to most of our conscious and rational decisions is so difficult? Are you really in control of your decisions? If not, then who, or what, is?

Well, whatever it is, it usually fucks up our New Year's resolutions. Sometimes even before we even get a chance to start them.

Our minds are in conflict. The young and relatively weak rational part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) allows us to announce the types of decisions mentioned above. But the following-through becomes subject to a heated debate... inside your brain... with an older, stronger, more developed, but much more primitive part.

"I have to work out... but I'm so tired."
"I know I quit smoking... but I'm so stressed."
"I can't do this, I'm married... but no one will ever find out..."
"I have to put the condom on... but it feels so good..."
"I love him... but he really crossed the line this time..."
"I love psychology/dancing/filmmaking... but business is so much safer..."

We (our rational parts) attempt to exert control over a much more powerful entity that, for the most part, doesn't really care what we initially decide. We are the rider on top of an elephant. When the beast is calm, the rider remains in control, but when desire, fear, or any other emotion sets in... are you (the rider) any match for a 20,000 pound elephant? The elephant wants you to be angry. It wants you to be fearful. It wants you to act on every desire. It wants you to eat that chocolate cake. And it is very powerful. The only way to prevail is, not to force the elephant to listen to the rider - you are no match for it - but to slowly, gradually, and calmly train it to obey.

To develop self-control, it must be trained. To develop commitment, it must be trained. To develop emotional regulation, it must be trained. Little by little over an extended period of time. We seldom acknowledge how utterly difficult it is to change our behavior and to change our minds. We become resolute in our decisions only through habit, only through developing patterns, only through repeated practice. Deciding to produce a fast and permanent change in our behavior, as with a New Year's resolution, is as unrealistic as walking up to a wild elephant in the Serengeti, commanding him to bend over, allowing you to climb on his back, and expecting to be given a pleasant ride to the nearest visitor center.

We can be successful in changing our behaviors and psychology helps us pinpoint the best way of doing so. I wish you all the best with your resolutions.