The Social Sacrifice Hypothesis

Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people.

Our capitalistic culture has induced a deterioration in our ability to develop meaningful relationships with ourselves and others. This may be capitalism's worst consequence. Uncrossable moral chasms stand between our impoverished relationships and the higher moral and emotional needs that distinguish our humanity. We sacrifice empathy, honesty, patience, morality, and compassion for personal success. These moral chasms can be felt. Even if you are a citizen of the United States (the country with the most visible symptoms) and conditioned to emotionally-bankrupt social bonds, you can feel the chasms too, intuitively. I know you can, but you have to reach deep in order to do so. Come explore with me.

The American Dream... let's start here
We may take it for granted, but America has always been a truly unique and magical place for human beings to reside in. It still is. The intoxicating allure of America has been romantically contained in the dream of the poor immigrant who arrives on U.S. shores and single-handedly elevates the socioeconomic status of he and his family in only one generation. Until the U.S. hit full economic stride in the 20th century, a dream like this had never existed anywhere on our small blue planet. No matter how bad you wanted to succeed, your economic success always depended on the influence of others - namely government, society, church, and family. America then had a beautiful dream that boldly shifted that dependency - from them to you. The dream's internal engine - capitalism and market culture - promises that if you want it bad enough, if you work hard enough, and if you sacrifice deeply enough, you will flourish. It all depends on you, big boy. No one else. Not no mo'.

Though it has a "righteous ring" to it, depending solely on yourself is not an easy proposition. In fact, it's fucking hard. If things get screwy, guess who swallows the blame - you, baby, all you. That's scary. Before, we were members of a tribe, a group, a community, or at least a closely-knit family that shared the burden of life's successes and catastrophes with us. We were not alone then. But this "sharing" element has essentially vanished from our heavily individualistic society. The drastic paradigm shift to an over-reliance on yourself and an under-reliance on others spawned three critical and interconnected social phenomena that have distanced us from each other:

• Habituated solitude
• Aggrandizement of the ego
• Erosion of interpersonal trust

Alone in the Crowd

We live in an increasingly hostile social environment. Why hostile? Because we are alone under tremendous amounts of social pressure to succeed. By permeating every corner of our society, market culture has elevated the priority of success above all else, including our bonds with those closest to us. By accepting that we don't need to depend on others for success, we grow more insular and more habituated to pursuing our own self-interests - alone. We enjoy the BMW 5-series, 50-inch plasma, Bose home theater system, state-of-the-art kitchen, imported Italian leather living room set, heated indoor swimming pool, and the Prada designer sweater for the hairless chihuahua... by ourselves... and maybe with the chihuahua. But we are essentially alone in the crowd. Not physically, but yes emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. The greater concern is that we are habituated to this profound solitude. It is now considered normal to be completely closed to others. And what's the most natural way of coping with this lonely and hostile environment? Toughen up, sissy.

The feminist movement is a visible example of habituated solitude through toughening. In the noble pursuit of equal opportunity, equal respect, and equal voice in society, feminism has suffered a severe distortion. Like a train without brakes, the movement overcompensated for inequality, rocketing past its intended destination, and hardened women primarily against men and secondarily against love. "I'm a strong, tough, independent woman who has never needed to depend on a man for anything" is a statement commonly uttered with pride.. but commonly uttered alone. Many emotional and psychological barriers are raised by women in efforts to protect an exaggerated and, for the most part, misunderstood desire for individualism. By fiercely defending this need, women are alienating themselves from men. Watch Jerry Maguire for an example of this. But neither women nor men are to blame for we have all been trained by our culture to expertly alienate others. The "battle of the sexes" is simply another exercise in alienation through superiority. And there are many to choose from.

Who Needs 'Please' when we've got Guns? 

We are superior to others. This simple oxymoron psychologically strengthens us to deal with a cannibalistic social world, where everyone is out for themselves. It prepares us for personal success in the market culture. But if we believe we are superior to others, then our esteem for them naturally erodes. Why bother ourselves with "little people", or those who have seemingly little to offer us? When everyone adopts this perspective however, we all become "little people" to each other. Welcome to hobbit land, Frodo. It is then OK to compete without limits, it is OK to adopt a self-centered worldview, it is OK to win at the expense of others, it is even OK to win at the expense of yourself - as long as you win.

The focus is on my success after all.

My dreams, my goals, my reputation, my achievements, my social identity, my feelings, and my convenience have trumped the interpersonal virtues of empathy, compassion, patience, and tolerance. Sue my family for emotional distress? Sure, I'm hurt and they had it coming anyway. Badmouth my best friend at work to get closer to that promotion? Hey, business is business baby. Now take marriage, perhaps the most profound, complex, and fulfilling of all human social bonds in the western world, but also sometimes the most tedious, time-consuming, and inconvenient as well. We have the highest divorce rate in the world partly due to the inconvenience of marriage. Our lack of empathy, coupled with a ravenous hunger for instant gratification and immediate results, devours the slightest inconvenience as if it were a quadruple quarter-pounder with extra cheese. The point is, we get stuffed on experiences, sicken of them shortly after, and then bounce without second thoughts. The market culture has trained our minds for this - to tire quickly. Besides, who has time to savor, appreciate, digest, and cherish with so many other harvests to reap, so many channels to surf, so many restaurants to try, so much information to access, and so much technology to purchase? On a side note, anyone know when the Ipad 2 is coming out?

Empathy is just really inconvenient sometimes...

• New Yorkers step over a dying man
• Teenage boys go on school killing spree in a display of power
• Young girls starve themselves for beauty
• Hospitals refuse care to the uninsured; price is put on fingers

When Mistrust Comes In, Love Goes Out
Relationships are not business transactions. But in the words of Thomas Jefferson, "the merchant has no homeland" anymore. Thanks to market culture, the merchant is now free to practice business anywhere he pleases... at work, on the street, overseas, in his home, in your home, and even in love. Our relationships have become tit-for-tat negotiations, you give me this, I give you that. In his book "Linchpin," Seth Godin argues that a few hundred years ago, members of the same tribe did favors for each other without expectations of reciprocity. Business (a reciprocal transaction) was done solely with strangers, in this case, members of outlying tribes. By treating all of our relationships like business, we have turned everyone into strangers, even those closest to us. This has spawned a virulent lack of trust that now underlies all of our interpersonal interactions. Pick up the hitchhiker at Midtown? Careful, you know that poor people have homicidal tendencies. Let 8 year old Michelle play outside by herself? Not with all those sexual predators on the loose. Share a taxi cab ride with a stranger and split the cost? Well, you get the picture, few people would agree to this. Let's return to the realm of marriage for the final example:

Will you sign a prenuptial agreement with the one person you decide to spend the rest of your life with? 

Will you sign it with the person that makes you "whole"? The one you will love and care for in sickness and in health? Through the good times and the bad? Are these words just fluff? Placeholders? Do they mean anything? Are they just unrealistic for our times? Or just too idealistic? Perhaps the simple answer is: we don't trust them and they don't trust us. Ask yourself if that's normal. Ask yourself if that's right. We place so much value on interpersonal trust but let our sky castles crumble in the face of truth. In forcing ourselves to depend on ourselves, we forgot how to depend on others and how to allow others to depend on us. This phenomenon is festering in all of our relationships. You can't trust strangers, you can't trust friends, you can't trust family, you can't even trust your partner, and they can't trust you either. But hey, it's not all bad, at least they can't touch our bling. Yea!

Salvation or Starvation
Have you ever given up your seat on the subway to an older person, helped a stranger shovel the snow on his driveway, or given your coworker a gift without expectations? When you show even a little genuine empathy to others, you will see their eyes twinkle. That twinkle is not solely a sign of gratitude. It's a sign of rough times. A sign of starvation. We are emotionally and spiritually starved for empathy, kindness, authenticity, and a reconnection with our true selves. To continue starving, we should just keep doing what we're doing. Succeed more, acquire more, and win more at the expense of others and ourselves. I have a strong feeling however, that this road does not lead to happiness as we supposed.

Salvation, on the other hand, requires a raising of national consciousness to cultivate empathy and compassion in every single individual. Only when we step into the shoes of the other person can we even begin to understand the problem. Tenderness and kindness must also be reassociated with strength and virtue instead of weakness and despair. The obstacle? All of this goes against our nature. But then again, most great feats accomplished by our fellow men and women have gone against predictable human nature. Just ask Shakespeare, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa,  the Buddha...

Empathy is not a faucet that turns on and off, it's an ability that must be trained. Begin at home. Begin with loved ones. Then practice, practice, practice. It may be the greatest gift you ever give yourself and others.

Further Reading

• Rich, Free, & Miserable 
• Humanity on a Tightrope
• Culture of Narcissism
• The Lonely Crowd
• Revolutionary Road
• Generation Me
• The Overspent American