Monday, January 10, 2011

The Need to Argue

One fire cannot put out another fire. You must use water.

As I had hoped, my experience in Thailand has indeed changed my perspective on various aspects of human nature. How could it not? People who are subjected to intense life experiences (i.e. surviving cancer, death of a direct family member, etc.) often report a drastic refocusing of their life priorities and behavioral changes in their interpersonal relationships. Petty concerns are consciously acknowledged for being what they are - petty - and appreciation for the most important aspects of one's life increases. I've been a long-time believer that, in our society, we are conditioned to overvalue too many things that not only hold little significance on our happiness, but also hijack our focus from the truly important things in life. One of these overvalued phenomena is the need to argue.

Brad Pitt accurately described the importance of arguing when filming The Curious Case of Benjamin Button:

"Angie and I do not fight anymore. What occurred to me on this film, and also with the passing of her mother [Marcheline Bertrand in 2007], is that there's going to come a time when I'm not going to get to be with this person anymore. And so, if we have a flare-up, it evaporates now. I don't want to waste time being angry at someone I love."

Negative aspects of arguing:

  • Increases your vulnerability to negative emotions - anger, fear, insecurity, jealousy, etc.
  • Increases stress and tension in the initiator AND the receiver.
  • Makes your mind more prone to arguing in the future (habituation).
  • It's simply an illusory need.

    My natural reaction to someone initiating an argument with me is to argue harder. I want to win, damnit. I need to win. My ego needs this shit. Sometimes even simply getting louder gives you an edge. Some people pride themselves on their arguing skills. There are books on how to argue and win. But even though it's human nature to argue, it's counter-intuitive and animalistic to think of "winning" conflicts against people we love. Aren't we on the same team? Is there another way to be understood besides arguing? There is, but it's extremely difficult - don't argue. I'm not being sarcastic. 

Let it go. Do not follow the tension. Do not follow the anger. Simply observe it in the other person. Observe the tension building in yourself. See the emotion for what it is, and nothing more. It's just tension. Don't give in. If you do, all you will be doing is fanning the flames instead of putting the fire out. And fire is an unruly playtoy. These words are so simple to say, so simple to grasp, so simple to advocate, but putting these ideas into practice is a lesson in humility and, very often, futility, because it goes against our nature.

-Our brains have evolved for success and survival, not for happiness-

All of this sounds unrealistic, I know. Especially because arguing sometimes gives rise to powerful lessons and stronger relational bonds. I'm not oblivious. But I am realizing that those same lessons can be learned, and those relationships can be equally (or more greatly) strengthened through more positive means. Means that don't expose you or others to the destructive risks of arguing.

Bottom line: Serious arguments (with strong tones, insults, attacks, defenses, etc.) are always a surrender to negative emotions. Some arguments do teach valuable lessons, but these lessons and other benefits are more effectively acquired with a combination of compassion and a tight grip on the other emotions.

6 comments:

  1. Klasik10.1.11

    Hi I'm completely new to meditation but I resolved to try it during 2011. Can you recommend any good books/sites for beginners. Or write a post explain how to meditate?

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  2. I've arrived at the same conclusion about arguing. Some people are addicted to arguing and when I don't argue back it makes them even angrier. The only solution I've found is to physically remove myself from the situation. Unfortunately my parents are among the ones addicted to arguing.

    Also wanted to point out that the book you link to "How to Argue And Win Every Time" is a very good one. It's far more compassionate than the title would lead you to believe. I recommend it.

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  3. I am pleased to have access to your knowledge. I get to practice what you share and really learn new things. Last night I wrote down two activities that I used to love doing that I have somehow had no more time to do as I grew older. I'm going to do them again. Btw, I see you writing a book in the future.

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  4. K, here are my suggestions. Don't read, just do it. Find a retreat or an instructor to start off. Your progress will go very slowly if you start alone. Type "Vipassana" and your state in google.

    G, we do get angrier if others don't fire back. But only temporarily. Anger needs to be fueled to survive. Compassion puts the fire out. Thanks for the heads up on the book.

    J, thank you for the kind words.

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  5. There's truth to this. Arguing does seem to come biologically hard-wired in humans.

    In "Flight From Death: The Quest for Immortality", the filmmaker explores "death anxiety as a possible root cause of many of our behaviors on a psychological, spiritual, and cultural level". Through multiple psychological studies, it's demonstrated that when people are confronted with death directly or indirectly (e.g. news) they are more prone to adopt an 'us vs. them' mentality. Christians vs. Muslims. Heterosexual vs. homosexual. Democrat vs. Republican. Pick your poison. On the flip side, when everything is essentially peachy keen, we become more accepting of others.

    The full length film is still available for free on Hulu at the time of this comment. You can find it here:

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/173530/flight-from-death-the-quest-for-immortality

    On a more personal note, I've had numerous encounters with death that I haven't taken lightly. I've fallen asleep at the wheel while driving by a cliff with no railing only to wake up after turning the corner in my sleep. I've also gone through a year of suffocating in my sleep partly due to sleep paralysis.

    While these experiences have affected me, I've come to an understanding, just as Brad did, that no moment is promised to me or anyone. That alone makes it that much richer. Death, as morbid as the topic is, equalizes all and places things in perspective.

    Live every day as though it is your last and then every day will feel as though it's your first.

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  6. Marc, sorry for the delay in posting your comment (went in spam box). That "us vs them" mentality pushes us away from each other. But we're really all on the same team. In a speech at Harvard, Bill Clinton said, "It's too bad we focus on the .1% of our DNA that makes us different, instead of the 99.9% that makes us identical. This prevents us from making positive change in the world."

    The understanding that no moments are promised to us is, I feel, essential to appreciating life. Good thing that death is in the picture for it truly is, as you say, the great equalizer. Thanks for the comment.

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