The View from Outside

If we concern ourselves with meaning, society provides us with little direction.

I've always been curious, perhaps uncommonly so. When I was about 12 or 13 years old, I remember wanting to conduct an experiment interviewing older people who were nearing the end of their lives - say, 80 years or older. The setting wouldn't matter (nursing homes, family homes, in a cabin in the forest, etc.) but mental clarity certainly would. The main question I wanted to ask them was, "Having lived a 'full life' and possessing more wisdom than most, what would you say are the best ways to spend one's time?" In other words, "What truly matters?" I always had an underlying feeling that the various life pursuits advocated by family, school, and television were cleverly constructed distractions from what truly matters. The real answer to that question may produce a considerable degree of anxiety, but I figured these old wise folk - with less concern for social constructs - could shed some light on it.


I never conducted that experiment, but there is enough anecdotal evidence out there to formulate a more accurate idea of what truly matters. Here are a few notable examples:

1. Quote:  "My illness helped me to see that what was missing in society is what was missing in me: a little heart, a lot of brotherhood. The 80s were about acquiring — acquiring wealth, power, prestige. I know. I acquired more wealth, power, and prestige than most. But you can acquire all you want and still feel empty. What power wouldn’t I trade for a little more time with my family? What price wouldn’t I pay for an evening with friends? It took a deadly illness to put me eye to eye with that truth, but it is a truth that the country, caught up in its ruthless ambitions and moral decay, can learn on my dime. I don’t know who will lead us through the ‘90s, but they must be made to speak to this spiritual vacuum at the heart of American society, this tumor of the soul."  --- Lee Atwater, former chairman of the Republican National Committee,  diagnosed with brain cancer
2.  TED Presentation: "...Two minutes later, three things happened at the same time. The pilot lines up the plane with the Hudson River. That's usually not the route. He turns off the engines. Now imagine being in a plane with no sound. And then he says three words -- the most unemotional three words I've ever heard. He says, "Brace for impact." I didn't have to talk to the flight attendant anymore. I could see in her eyes, it was terror. Life was over. Now I want to share with you three things I learned about myself that day. [The 1st thing] I learned [is] that it all changes in an instant. We have this bucket list, we have these things we want to do in life...  [and] I came up with a saying, which is, "I collect bad wines." Because if the wine is ready and the person is there, I'm opening it. I no longer want to postpone anything in life... [the 2nd thing was that] I regretted the time I wasted on things that did not matter with people that matter.  I've not had a fight with my wife in two years. It feels great. I no longer try to be right; I choose to be happy... [And the 3rd thing] I realized at this point [was] that the only thing that matters in my life is being a great dad. --- Ric Elias, passenger aboard Flight 1549 that crash-landed in the Hudson River
3. Graduation Speech: "...The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy... Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy. I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy... What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate. Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today... Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you [should] do when you are free... Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone. You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy."  --- Adrian Tan, commencement speaker at Nanyang Technological University, Singapore
4.  Harvard Business Review: "This past year I was diagnosed with cancer and faced the possibility that my life would end sooner than Iʼd planned. Thankfully, it now looks as if Iʼll be spared. But the experience has given me important insight into my life. I have a pretty clear idea of how my ideas have generated enormous revenue for companies that have used my research; I know Iʼve had a substantial impact. But as Iʼve confronted this disease, itʼs been interesting to see how unimportant that impact is to me now. Iʼve concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isnʼt dollars but the individual people whose lives Iʼve touched. I think thatʼs the way it will work for us all. Donʼt worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success." --- Clayton M. Christensen, Harvard Business School professor, initially proposed the idea of 'disruptive innovation'
5.  Philosophical Essay: "They form their purposes with a view to the distant future; yet postponement is the greatest waste of life; it deprives them of each day as it comes, it snatches from them the present by promising something hereafter. The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon tomorrow and wastes today. You dispose of that which lies in the hands of Fortune, you let go of that which lies in your own. Whither do you look? At what goal do you aim? All things that are still to come lie in uncertainty; live straight away." --- Seneca, philosopher, On the Shortness of Life

I see a pattern in these (and other) examples. Wisdom seems to suggest that what truly matters in life is:

• Living in the present (this leads to appreciation)
• Social relationships
• Soft-heartedness (this includes empathy, compassion, patience, listening, acceptance etc.)
• Altruism

And what we think matters but actually doesn't is:

• Achievement/success
• Money
• Being right
• Intelligence (it may lead to wisdom, but intelligence for its own sake, doesn't matter)

I am implying, as the previous thinkers are, that these ideas apply to everyone. Every human being. We're not as different as we think, but we're conditioned to see it that way.