Are you sure? (the intro)

No. I'm not sure. 

The response hit me like a psychological seismic shock. She asked if I was sure of pursuing the MBA degree. I was five days away from submitting applications to Harvard, my essays were polished, recommendations locked down, and I had a GMAT score high enough to compete with other Harvard hopefuls. I had suffered extensively to attain remarkable business experience over the last 3 years and had worked on the MBA applications for months. Just around the next corner, my future corporate career was patiently waiting and suspiciously beckoning me with the promise of money, success, belonging, safety, admiration... and there I was, unsure. Oh no, more questions...

"So what would you rather do?"

     "Follow something I'm passionate about."

"What are you passionate about?"

     "How people think. Why people think. Psychology. It fascinates me. I would do the work for free if I could."
"And why aren't you pursuing that instead?"

     "...becau...well...uh...shit...I don't know."

I felt like a child again, completely unaware of why I did the things I did, incompetent, helpless, humbled, and in total awe of life's simple lessons. A most basic exploratory question had just delivered a shattering blow to the vision of my future life. "That's funny," I thought, the vision had seemed completely unshakable. How had I managed to coerce myself so unwaveringly for so long? And to think I drew fulfillment from encouraging others to question their beliefs and to follow their passions! I had seen the specks in their eyes while completely ignoring the log in mine (this quote is originally from the bible - Matthew 7:3).

The culprit was fear. Fear of following not only an uncharted path but an unaccepted one. Fear of failing. Fear of telling everyone that society's definition of success and happiness was wrong. It was not a "one size fits all." Damn, I thought, I must be one weird dude to need a different size. "C'mon man, you're in your late 20s. Passions are meant to be lived now. Not in old age. You've always believed this, when will you live by it?" I had to either completely accept myself now - and act on it - or lock that part of me away in my tiny box of unrealized passions and inconvenient truths...but honestly... I was so tired of doing that...

I canceled my MBA applications, effectively pulling the train's emergency brake. Everything came to a screeching, gear-crunching halt. I had boarded the wrong train.

However dark or vulnerable my decision may turn out to be, I chose me. I'm tired of following other peoples' dreams. I'm tired of people encouraging me to do so. I'm tired of not following my own dreams. I'm tired of postponing them. I'm tired of simply dreaming about them. I'm tired of convincing myself that they're hopeless. I'm pissed. Not at the world, but at myself for being so dishonest for so long. This is the only life I'll ever have. No more. Forever. That's it. It's time for honesty goddamn it.