An Internal Inferno

I would like to share the following link and article with you, dear readers, while I finish an extensive sociological post for the blog. 

The link leads to a fast, free, and easy meditative exercise. Try to observe your urges!  
http://www.donothingfor2minutes.com/

The article is Sam Harris' answer to the 2011 Edge World Question: "What scientific concept would improve everybody's cognitive toolkit?" It's an eloquently written piece on meditation by a neuroscientist.

Enjoy.
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SAM HARRIS
Neuroscientist; Chairman, Project Reason; Author, The Moral Landscape

We are Lost in Thought

I invite you to pay attention to anything — the sight of this text, the sensation of breathing, the feeling of your body resting against your chair — for a mere sixty seconds without getting distracted by discursive thought. It sounds simple enough: Just pay attention. The truth, however, is that you will find the task impossible. If the lives of your children depended on it, you could not focus on anything — even the feeling of a knife at your throat — for more than a few seconds, before your awareness would be submerged again by the flow of thought. This forced plunge into unreality is a problem. In fact, it is the problem from which every other problem in human life appears to be made.

I am by no means denying the importance of thinking. Linguistic thought is indispensable to us. It is the basis for planning, explicit learning, moral reasoning, and many other capacities that make us human. Thinking is the substance of every social relationship and cultural institution we have. It is also the foundation of science. But our habitual identification with the flow of thought — that is, our failure to recognize thoughts as thoughts, as transient appearances in consciousness — is a primary source of human suffering and confusion.

Our relationship to our own thinking is strange to the point of paradox, in fact. When we see a person walking down the street talking to himself, we generally assume that he is mentally ill. But we all talk to ourselves continuously — we just have the good sense to keep our mouths shut. Our lives in the present can scarcely be glimpsed through the veil of our discursivity: We tell ourselves what just happened, what almost happened, what should have happened, and what might yet happen. We ceaselessly reiterate our hopes and fears about the future. Rather than simply exist as ourselves, we seem to presume a relationship with ourselves. It's as though we are having a conversation with an imaginary friend possessed of infinite patience. Who are we talking to?

While most of us go through life feeling that we are the thinker of our thoughts and the experiencer of our experience, from the perspective of science we know that this is a distorted view. There is no discrete self or ego lurking like a minotaur in the labyrinth of the brain. There is no region of cortex or pathway of neural processing that occupies a privileged position with respect to our personhood. There is no unchanging "center of narrative gravity" (to use Daniel Dennett's phrase). In subjective terms, however, there seems to be one — to most of us, most of the time.

Our contemplative traditions (Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, etc.) also suggest, to varying degrees and with greater or lesser precision, that we live in the grip of a cognitive illusion. But the alternative to our captivity is almost always viewed through the lens of religious dogma. A Christian will recite the Lord's Prayer continuously over a weekend, experience a profound sense of clarity and peace, and judge this mental state to be fully corroborative of the doctrine of Christianity; A Hindu will spend an evening singing devotional songs to Krishna, feel suddenly free of his conventional sense of self, and conclude that his chosen deity has showered him with grace; a Sufi will spend hours whirling in circles, pierce the veil of thought for a time, and believe that he has established a direct connection to Allah.

The universality of these phenomena refutes the sectarian claims of any one religion. And, given that contemplatives generally present their experiences of self-transcendence as inseparable from their associated theology, mythology, and metaphysics, it is no surprise that scientists and nonbelievers tend to view their reports as the product of disordered minds, or as exaggerated accounts of far more common mental states — like scientific awe, aesthetic enjoyment, artistic inspiration, etc.

Our religions are clearly false, even if certain classically religious experiences are worth having. If we want to actually understand the mind, and overcome some of the most dangerous and enduring sources of conflict in our world, we must begin thinking about the full spectrum of human experience in the context of science.

But we must first realize that we are lost in thought.

Link: http://www.edge.org/q2011/q11_12.html#harriss

Our Time in the Sun

Life is short, but it's also wide.

Now, in the midst of a career change, I've had no choice but to tackle the next question without flinching: How should I choose to live my life? Should my aim be on altruism? Should I focus on prestige? How about adventure? Or acquiring knowledge? What about making a lot of money? What about purchasing a house? Should I just unfurl my sails and let the winds take me as they please? Or should I postpone simple pleasures and lay foundations for a family instead? There doesn't seem to be a definite answer, but one thing sure is clear: school didn't prepare me for this shit.

In the confusion, I look to others around me - how did they decide? Computer programmers, logistics coordinators, bartenders, account executives, theater actors, public accountants, investment bankers, medical malpractice lawyers, audio visual technicians, automobile mechanics, mobile phone salesmen, etc. They chose, but did they place these career decisions against the greater backdrop of life itself when choosing? Or did they (and I) base their decisions on much less profound considerations? I think so.

We choose as if we will live forever.

Here is the meat of my point: If this life is our only shot at existence; if after death there is nothing; if there will never be anything again for you and for me; if this is our only time in the sun, then, shouldn't we give a little more thought to the question of how we should spend our lives? Imagine a hypothetical situation: You die and you are told that you have 24 hours to reflect on your life (albeit in perhaps a gaseous, ethereal form). You are also told that once the 24 hours are up, you're done: your consciousness is erased. Forever. So while you're there floating and torturing yourself for the next 24 hours, would you think of better ways you could have spent your life? Would regret rear its ugly head? Of course it would. For example: "Damn, I knew I should have said 'yes' to that threesome at 22." We'd be a pretty pissed off bunch of gasses for our last 24 hours. Well, gather 'round, my dear fleeting gasses, and contemplate the following 2 cheery excerpts on the topic:

You live as if you were destined to live forever, no thought of your frailty ever enters your head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed. You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last. You have all the fears of mortals and all the desires of immortals. You will hear many men saying: "After my fiftieth year I shall retire into leisure, my sixtieth year shall release me from public duties." And what guarantee, pray, have you that your life will last as long?

But when at last some infirmity has reminded [old men] of their mortality, in what terror do they die, feeling that they are being dragged out of life, and not merely leaving it. They cry out that they have been fools, because they have not really lived, and that they will live henceforth in leisure if only they escape from this illness; then at last they reflect how uselessly they have striven for things which they did not enjoy, and how all their toil has gone for nothing.

- Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

If we were absolutely certain that there was no afterlife and that what awaits us after death is the same as what we experienced before life (i.e. nothing) would we lead our lives differently today? Would we choose our careers differently? Or would we just say "fuck it," avoid futile contemplation of this behemothic issue, sidestep it altogether, and become discount mattress salesmen? At least we'd have "employee of the month" awards to look forward to.

My refusal to avoid sidestepping this question has led me to the intriguing field of positive psychology: the scientific study of happiness, human flourishing, and the search for meaning. This is what I've been spending a considerable amount of time researching these days. After all, can you think of a more significant matter of concern than the maximization of happiness, or better yet, the study of how to best appreciate our brief time in the spotlight of existence? The premise of this new branch of psychology is that certain "things" (i.e. emotions, activities, pursuits, ideas, institutions) provide us with more lasting happiness than other "things." So essentially, we can scientifically prove where, or from what, we procure the most lasting happiness. We can scientifically suggest what is most worth pursuing in this life. Perhaps positive psychology can then provide a few solid answers to this post's opening question. I'm looking, I'm looking...

There is no right or wrong here. I'm just as ignorant as we all are on this issue. This is just something I believe is worth contemplating for you and for me. And if you're a discount mattress salesman, drop me a line with your contact info - I'm in the market. Good luck.

The Need to Argue

One fire cannot put out another fire. You must use water.

As I had hoped, my experience in Thailand has indeed changed my perspective on various aspects of human nature. How could it not? People who are subjected to intense life experiences (i.e. surviving cancer, death of a direct family member, etc.) often report a drastic refocusing of their life priorities and behavioral changes in their interpersonal relationships. Petty concerns are consciously acknowledged for being what they are - petty - and appreciation for the most important aspects of one's life increases. I've been a long-time believer that, in our society, we are conditioned to overvalue too many things that not only hold little significance on our happiness, but also hijack our focus from the truly important things in life. One of these overvalued phenomena is the need to argue.

Brad Pitt accurately described the importance of arguing when filming The Curious Case of Benjamin Button:

"Angie and I do not fight anymore. What occurred to me on this film, and also with the passing of her mother [Marcheline Bertrand in 2007], is that there's going to come a time when I'm not going to get to be with this person anymore. And so, if we have a flare-up, it evaporates now. I don't want to waste time being angry at someone I love."

Negative aspects of arguing:

• Increases your vulnerability to negative emotions - anger, fear, insecurity, jealousy, etc.
• Increases stress and tension in the initiator AND the receiver.
• Makes your mind more prone to arguing in the future (habituation).
• It's simply an illusory need.
  
  
  My natural reaction to someone initiating an argument with me is to argue harder. I want to win, damnit. I need to win. My ego needs this shit. Sometimes even simply getting louder gives you an edge. Some people pride themselves on their arguing skills. There are books on how to argue and win. But even though it's human nature to argue, it's counter-intuitive and animalistic to think of "winning" conflicts against people we love. Aren't we on the same team? Is there another way to be understood besides arguing? There is, but it's extremely difficult - don't argue. I'm not being sarcastic. 

Let it go. Do not follow the tension. Do not follow the anger. Simply observe it in the other person. Observe the tension building in yourself. See the emotion for what it is, and nothing more. It's just tension. Don't give in. If you do, all you will be doing is fanning the flames instead of putting the fire out. And fire is an unruly playtoy. These words are so simple to say, so simple to grasp, so simple to advocate, but putting these ideas into practice is a lesson in humility and, very often, futility, because it goes against our nature.

-Our brains have evolved for success and survival, not for happiness-

All of this sounds unrealistic, I know. Especially because arguing sometimes gives rise to powerful lessons and stronger relational bonds. I'm not oblivious. But I am realizing that those same lessons can be learned, and those relationships can be equally (or more greatly) strengthened through more positive means. Means that don't expose you or others to the destructive risks of arguing.

Bottom line: Serious arguments (with strong tones, insults, attacks, defenses, etc.) are always a surrender to negative emotions. Some arguments do teach valuable lessons, but these lessons and other benefits are more effectively acquired with a combination of compassion and a tight grip on the other emotions.

I Resolve

Your mind is not a single, unified, entity. It is a committee.

We think we are in control of our behaviors. But what happens if you've sworn off smoking and a single stressful moment "pushes you" to buy the next last pack? Or if you are following a strict diet, but the waiter places a slice of warm chocolate cake with pecans and a side of cool vanilla ice cream (or whatever dessert you like) on the table in front of you? What about when you decide to work out every single day for the next 3 months? Or when you decide to become more optimistic? Or when you decide to remain forever faithful to your partner? How about when you decide to become a less angry person? Why do we all know that lasting commitment to most of our conscious and rational decisions is so difficult? Are you really in control of your decisions? If not, then who, or what, is?

Well, whatever it is, it usually fucks up our New Year's resolutions. Sometimes even before we even get a chance to start them.

Our minds are in conflict. The young and relatively weak rational part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) allows us to announce the types of decisions mentioned above. But the following-through becomes subject to a heated debate... inside your brain... with an older, stronger, more developed, but much more primitive part.

"I have to work out... but I'm so tired."
"I know I quit smoking... but I'm so stressed."
"I can't do this, I'm married... but no one will ever find out..."
"I have to put the condom on... but it feels so good..."
"I love him... but he really crossed the line this time..."
"I love psychology/dancing/filmmaking... but business is so much safer..."

We (our rational parts) attempt to exert control over a much more powerful entity that, for the most part, doesn't really care what we initially decide. We are the rider on top of an elephant. When the beast is calm, the rider remains in control, but when desire, fear, or any other emotion sets in... are you (the rider) any match for a 20,000 pound elephant? The elephant wants you to be angry. It wants you to be fearful. It wants you to act on every desire. It wants you to eat that chocolate cake. And it is very powerful. The only way to prevail is, not to force the elephant to listen to the rider - you are no match for it - but to slowly, gradually, and calmly train it to obey.

To develop self-control, it must be trained. To develop commitment, it must be trained. To develop emotional regulation, it must be trained. Little by little over an extended period of time. We seldom acknowledge how utterly difficult it is to change our behavior and to change our minds. We become resolute in our decisions only through habit, only through developing patterns, only through repeated practice. Deciding to produce a fast and permanent change in our behavior, as with a New Year's resolution, is as unrealistic as walking up to a wild elephant in the Serengeti, commanding him to bend over, allowing you to climb on his back, and expecting to be given a pleasant ride to the nearest visitor center.

We can be successful in changing our behaviors and psychology helps us pinpoint the best way of doing so. I wish you all the best with your resolutions.

The Buddhist Temple

Where I went, how I got there, and what I found.

Three years ago, while on a solo trip through northern Thailand, I stepped into a local Chiang Mai restaurant for lunch. I was pleased to see no westerners inside, a good indicator of authentic spicy thai cuisine. But as soon as I sat down and struggled to communicate with the waiter, a white man that had been hidden from my view by a column leaned over to me and asked, "do you need help ordering?" He ordered a spicy noodle dish for me in fluent thai and then began telling me his story.

He had arrived in Thailand 5 years ago from Paris, France. The reason for his relocation: to meditate. His response to my question of when he would return to France still rings clearly in my mind, "I'm not going back. My life is here now." His tone was so calm, so confident, so unfamiliar, that my curiosity began gnawing at me as it does before taking action. "What the hell has this guy seen?" I inquired further about his experience and he arranged my trip to meditate for 3 days at the buddhist temple where he originally learned. I bought all-white meditation clothes at the Chiang Mai night bazaar and boarded a songthaew the next morning, headed to the town of Chom Tong. I finished the 3 days and vowed to return in the future to finish the full 21 day course. And just this month, I did just that.

Wat Chom Tong, the main temple in the town of Chom Tong, began offering meditation courses to foreigners in 1992. The International Vipassana Meditation Center has undergone significant development since then, and now contains various dormitories, a library, and a number of meditation halls, catering to both thai and international meditators. The center is run and operated by Kuhn Thanat, who also acts as an English-speaking meditation instructor, and one of the wisest individuals I've ever met.

The temple grounds are spacious, calm, and very beautiful. The international center is tucked away in a corner of the temple grounds and has a direct path to a lake with gorgeous views of the mountains and countryside. Meditators share the grounds with buddhist monks, nuns, and temple staff. Although communication was limited during the meditation course, there were a few opportunities to briefly interact with the monks at buddhist ceremonies and chanting events. As I mentioned in a previous post, my intention in coming here was to learn meditation, not buddhism, but participating in these ceremonies added a unique cultural dimension to the experience. I'm glad I did.

The center offers a 21-day "basic" meditation course as well as 10-day retreats for experienced meditators. However, you can stay as long, or as little, as you wish. I completed the basic course and would recommend others to do so as well in order to truly grasp what the hell is going on. Believe me, your mind is in for the ride of its life. You might as well do the full course, if you can, to get the most out of the experience and your time far from home. The course is very difficult, but rewarding in greater measure. I say "greater" because the difficulty doesn't stay with you, but the lessons do.

Oh, and lastly, there is no charge for either food, lodging, or meditation instruction, but they do ask that you leave a donation. Donations provide the sole source of funding for the meditation center and the money is used to build new dormitory buildings and other infrastructure needs. As I told Thanat one day, it's very ironic that one of the most valuable life skills, learned through this practice, is taught free of charge. But then again, there would be no fairness in this world if the international meditators did not donate generously in observance of the instructors' tremendous efforts in teaching such a difficult skill.

Feel free to browse through some of the photographs I took during my stay at the temple. If you do decide to take this step, I wish you the best of luck. More information can be found here: Wat Chom Tong on Google.

The Present

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." 
Shakespeare, 16th century, England

"The mind is its own place, and can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." 

John Milton, 17th century, England

"The whole universe is change and life itself is but what you deem it." 

Marcus Aurelius, 2nd century, Rome

"Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead, want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well." 

Epictetus, 1st century, Greece

"Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear. if you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against." 

Sen-ts'an, 7th century, China

"Our life is the creation of our minds." 

Buddha, 6th century BCE, India

2,500 years ago, Siddhartha Gautama, from India, made one of the most important psychological discoveries of recorded human history while engaging in the practice of meditation.  The discovery was so significant that it spawned an entire religion, philosophy, and way of life. Siddhartha was later named the Buddha, or "the Awakened one," by his followers. I spent nearly 3 weeks learning and practicing this same form of meditation - vipassana - in northern Thailand. Vipassana means "seeing clearly," and is also known as "Insight" or "Mindfulness" meditation.

It's difficult to summarize what I experienced. It is incomparable to anything I am familiar with, and from what I've been witnessing, anything most of us are familiar with. So of what good use are words if they cannot convey anything of value, or anything understandable, to the listener? The only true question of value in this case is, "Do I think it was worthwhile?" The answer is yes, and in fact, more worthwhile than I could have possibly imagined. It was also the most difficult thing I've ever done. But does that even matter? I can explain the experience detail by detail, but will that change you, the reader? Will that provide any lasting value other than temporarily quenching your curiosity? Surely not. So what is important to know about the meditation experience? 

Meditation makes a profound statement about happiness.

Consider the following scenario:

Over the last 50 years or so, individual income levels in most developed nations have steadily increased. We have access to an astronomically larger set of options to satisfy ourselves than we did 50 years ago. We can watch movies on demand, we can play the most advanced video games, we can shop for almost anything we can imagine, we have access to an endless source of explicit information via the internet, we can purchase nicer homes sooner than ever before, we can eat practically anything we want at almost anytime (I bet our primitive neanderthal ancestors would have been jealous), and we can travel easily and frequently. We, residents of developed nations, have access to everything we could reasonably desire. Sounds like a reason to rejoice.

But according to recent psychological studies over the last 50 years, our levels of happiness have not increased. Has anything increased? Yes: rates of depression, anxiety, ADHD, and consumption of Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, etc. Please think about the significance of this phenomenon. I did not come up with this. These are recorded statistics. So what is going on?

Our traditional measuring stick for happiness is generally tied to life successes. The more we achieve, the more we acquire, the more we know, the happier we should be. But we´re not. The happiness hypothesis we share in the western world is mostly wrong. It is a grave error of common sense to think that once our basic necessities for survival are met (food and water), happiness can only be increased or maintained by striving for it. Striving to increase happiness causes tension. And even when you do reach a goal, the happiness that success produces is fleeting, temporary, because our minds are programmed (evolved) to adapt to increases or decreases in happiness and return to a common set point. A set point that seems to be, for the most part, predetermined genetically. That's why the levels of happiness reported by new lottery winners and new paraplegics is not significantly different from the other's after a year's time. Therefore:

The purpose of meditation is to help you realize that happiness doesn't lie in the past nor in the future. Lasting happiness doesn't lie in successes or positive states nor does lasting unhappiness lie in failures or negative states. Happiness lies in the present moment. In fact, it is always there.

Right now, exactly where you are, reading this post, or whatever it is you are doing in the present moment. Even if it's just sitting on the floor with your eyes closed. Even if you are simply breathing. Wherever you are, whatever your income level is, whoever you're with, happiness is there. It's present in every single moment of our lives. We have just never learned how to look. Instead we embark on a lifelong search for lasting happiness in external things and events... and never find it. So then the looming question becomes, "what the hell are we searching for?" We have everything we need right now. We all do. 

It's not out there. It's in here.

I know this is fancifully abstract, I know this sounds like new age, cotton candy, feel-good bullshit talk, I know it goes against everything we have ever known about happiness and enjoying our lives. But realize that some of the greatest thinkers in history from different parts of the world (quoted above), east and west, have all reached similar conclusions.

But even now after reading this, you can't *feel* what I'm saying. You can read and repeat these words but you can't intuitively know and feel that fear, insecurity, sadness, depression, anger, impatience, anxiety, worry, doubt, boredom, loneliness, jealousy, and even physical pain are nothing but illusions. You can´t simply decide for them not to affect you by reading or listening. It is such a foreign concept that you have to experience it for it to make any sense. It's the only way.

I'll end this post with a simple, encompassing, statement by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, professor at the University of Virginia: "Events in the world affect us only through our interpretations of them, so if we can control our interpretations, we can control our world." Think of Neo stopping those bullets in the first Matrix.

Meditation is the path not only to observe these interpretations, but to change them. Thanks Buddha. If you had been an advocate of reciprocity, we'd all owe you one.

Lest We Forget

What else remains but our life story?

This will be a short post. It's 4 AM, my neurons aren't firing as accurately as they should, and the flight leaves soon. But this point is important.

People tell me, "you're putting in a whole lotta effort to go meditate. Shit, I'll let you meditate in my bathroom for free." Both statements are true, but the first is inconspicuously misleading. It is a lot of effort just to go meditate. It will consume a considerable amount of time, money, sacrifice, risk, discomfort, etc. If you look at my decision as practically and concretely as that, then I would have no choice but to agree with you. Please, allow me to at least lock the bathroom door from the inside so as to not be disturbed. But, as I hope to reveal through this blog, this trip is not solely about learning how to meditate. It's perhaps more importantly about building character. What character? The character I envisioned ever since I was little.. and perhaps, so did you. Huh?

What a story it will be to tell my children... not about meditation, but to say that when I was younger and overflowing with dreams, as fanciful and fantastical as they may have been, I blindly and faithfully reached out to grab them. Or at least to touch them, or graze them, even with my fingertips, if only for a second. What a story it will be to tell myself.

I hope these stories and experiences serve as a symbol of not taking life for granted. I hope they become a clear signal of the choice we all have to pursue our dreams. A choice so frequently forgotten. For in the end, what do we have left in life but our stories, our convictions, and our character?

I send out a huge wish that you may all enjoy your holidays. 

P.S. I will be unable to write any more entries for a good while. But after it's all over, I will. Till then :)