Bending First

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken. -Albert Camus

Something's different. I have been welcomed quite pleasantly by the people here at the university -- students and faculty alike. Some have even opened up to helping me on the PhD career path in significant and perhaps life-altering ways that I could not have envisioned before. But me? Why are they helping me? After all, I'm simply a stranger with an obscure background and a short list of contacts. Surprising? Only at first. But I have been experiencing a generalized "empathic" aura emanating from those around me. People want to help me. The funny thing is that it emanates more strongly from strangers. Besides, it's quite unextraordinary for family members or the closest of friends to lend a hand... but for complete strangers to do so, especially when coming from very different backgrounds? What's going on?

I think Bill Clinton knows. In his speech at Harvard University in 2007, he stated,

"Human beings... are 99.9% identical, genetically." 

"It’s too bad that we spend much more time thinking about the .1 percent that divides us than the 99.9 percent that we have in common, because that imbalance keeps us from making positive changes in the world."

The main idea of this post is that there are no strangers. We are all the same. We are all in this together. We all experience the journey of life in the same ways. Sure the life of a starving child in Bihar -- one of the poorest states in India -- may seem alien to us, otherwordly perhaps, and detrimental even, to our understanding, acceptance, and embracement of Clinton's "99.9% identical" idea. But think about it. Say that the geographic lottery chose Bihar as your birthplace, instead of the U.S., Europe, Australia, or wherever your birthplace actually is. How do you think you would deal with the challenges and obstacles of your life? How would you deal with the severe food shortage, contaminated water, and other challenging life conditions? Where would you be? Where would I be? Probably in a very similar, or even identical, position as that child --- starving and illiterate on the streets of Bihar. We all experience life in similar ways and therefore we respond to life in similar ways. Our humanity precedes and supersedes our experiences, circumstances, and individualized identities.

How does this relate to empathy and my warm welcome? Well, we are social beings for starters. The scientific research on happiness shows that social relations reign over almost all other sources of well-being -- yes, even over McDonald's french fries :) We are moved to tears over acts of outstanding empathy and even feel encouraged to imitate the goodness of others to at least lesser degrees. Give empathy, humility, and direct consideration to others selflessly, even strangers, and they are compelled to reciprocate. I am pushing myself to give empathy, show humility, and continuously put others' needs before mine. It's not easy, but it gets easier. Whether they be scientists from developed nations or poor children from Bihar, we all respond to our shared humanity above all else. I think that this is the reason why I'm here.

Our minds are wired to give back automatically -- but they're not wired to give first. So give. Give without hesitation. Give without thought to the self. Be selfless. Just give.Whoever it is, wherever we are, we all open up. But you have to open first. You are the first to bend. So bend.

Practical Results

The path doesn't exist. It is created with each step you take.

Let me rewind. The purpose of this blog was to document a journey in thought and in action through the wilderness of a 27-year-old's search for meaning. I knew that canceling my MBA applications to pursue a passion I had minimal formal training in would force me to reach beyond my familiar means and notions of how to progress towards a typical goal. One of the very first steps I took led me to Asia to learn meditation with Buddhist monks. This next step has led me to becoming a researcher at Harvard University. I understand the means I'm using to advance down this path are not those typically publicized in the news, advocated by mom and dad, nor suggested in any career-hunter's guide -- the only means I use are those dictated by my intuition. Why? Because my intuition is smarter than I am. Huh?

My workload is increasing as well as my understanding. My brain is being inundated with so much information that it's exploded and right now I'm on the floor trying to pick up all the pieces. I'll post more updates soon when I begin making more sense of what's transpiring. Besides, there is always a bit more juice to squeeze out of these experiences. A big thank you to those who have - and are - supporting me.

The journey is getting interesting. Stay tuned.

Your Mind as a Muscle

We have probably learned more about the brain in the past 20 years than in all of recorded history. -Alan Leshner

Two years ago I completed the popular P90X workout/diet program. The physical results were astounding. After 90 grueling days, I managed to transform a completely average body into a muscular, chiseled, flexible, and highly-efficient one.  The before and after photos alone were enough to motivate friends, family, and coworkers to begin the program themselves. However, the program involves no groundbreaking exercises, no secret weight-loss pills, and no high-tech exercise equipment. The only secret of the program lies in consistency. You workout 7 days a week and the diet is followed every hour of the day. P90X simply leverages the human body's ability to change through consistency. Anything you practice for 1 hour a day for 90 days will produce results. That's the secret - and it's a powerful one.

What we have difficulty realizing however, is that our brain works in the same way as our body. The only significant difference between the processes of physical adaptation and psychological adaptation is that the results of one are largely visible while the results of the other are largely invisible. We can confidently state that in our society, greater value is placed on visible results.

Our environment literally rewires our brains

The weaving of new neural connections and unweaving of old connections is termed "neuroplasticity" and it defines our brain's ability to change. From the moment of conception until the moment of our last breath, the brain is physically molded by external stimuli (relationships, nutrition, career, advertising, etc.) as well as internal stimuli (thoughts and emotions). The longer we expose ourselves to the same stimuli (consistency), the stronger the consequential connection becomes. And since our brain "doesn't care" whether the stimuli is good or bad (i.e. smiling at a baby as opposed to committing murder), the neural connections are formed independent of your desire or moral judgment. In short, the more a certain stimuli pervades your life, the more your brain seeks it out. You don't even have to do anything for these connections to form - simply thinking or feeling is enough to lay building blocks in the mind.

A brain that is constantly exposed to negative stimuli will become conditioned to it. Feeling guilty and pessimistic day in and day out will eventually become the "new" normal thanks to the adaptive nature of the brain. This is how most well-marked psychological traits - including optimism, trust, depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolarity, and even cultural traits - develop. The typical Japanese, for example, tends to think of him/her self as part of a group while the typical American has been conditioned to individualism. The foundations for these states are mapped out in the brain through the physical restructuring of neural pathways. Once formed, they are very difficult to change and impossible to change quickly.  This can be positive if the environment promotes positive attributes such as empathy, appreciation, and generosity... but what if the promoted attributes are negative? What if the environment lays the wiring for selfishness, inadequacy, materialism, superiority, and narcissism? 

Is it then the individual's fault if they freefall into the bowels of depression even in affluence? Are they solely responsible for developing a disastrous self-image and a distorted perception of beauty? Are they to blame if they commit murder due to a suppressed sense of esteem and respect for others? Who's to blame? Their parents? And if the parents were subjected to the same neural conditioning? Hmmm.

Raise your Consciousness

We see new things in terms of things we already understand. - Jon Haidt

Changing your mind about whether you should watch Black Swan or True Grit tonight is easy. Changing your mind about complex established beliefs is extremely difficult (imagine a devout Evangelical creationist trying to accept evolution). And typically, the longer the prior belief is held and accepted to be true, the more difficult changing your mind becomes. These tremendous changes in psychological perception by exploring the nature of our beliefs are sometimes referred to as "consciousness raisers," and tend to require extraordinary effort.

Flatland

You are a two-dimensional square that lives in Flatland. Your family members, friends, neighbors, are and have always been 2D geometric shapes. Your home, the bank, the post office, the cars, and everything else in Flatland is also 2D, measurable only by length and width. There is left, right, front, and back, but there is no up or down. A spaceship from another planet enters Flatland's atmosphere. One of the ship's passengers, a three-dimensional sphere, descends to Flatland. The 2D inhabitants see the Sphere only when he (or she) touches the ground, but even then he's seen only as a 2D circle. The Sphere approaches you:

"Hello" he says. 

     "Hi Circle" you respond. 

"Circle? But I'm a Sphere, I have three-dimensions, can't you see?" 

     "A Sphere? 3D? Are you mad? There is nothing other than two dimensions, everyone knows that!"

"So you really can't see? Here, allow me to show you." 

The Sphere grabs you by the hand and flies you up to the skies above. You look down for the first time in your life, stupefied and in utter shock, as you witness Flatland from the third dimension. You know that your consciousness has been raised and that nothing will ever be the same. The Sphere brings you back down and you attempt to convince your loved ones of the third dimension only to be met with confusion and pity. To your great dismay, you realize that words are meaningless to describe your experience.

This story is adapted from the book "Flatland," written in 1884 by Edwin Abbott.

The Truman Show

"We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented," is perhaps the most psychologically profound line from The Truman Show. Jim Carrey's character, Truman Burbank, begins to question his longest held beliefs about life and his place in the world. This requires a raise in consciousness. Towards the end of the film, Truman feels the need to physically depart from his reality by sailing away on a boat to the end of the ocean in order to understand it. Check out the following 2 minute clip of Truman's initial attempt at raising his own consciousness:

The Matrix
This film also highlights the importance of questioning the nature of your reality. In the clip below, the line to look out for is stated by Morpheus, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." This is important. We cannot convince our brains with words and explanations of what's true and false. The brain must experience it, there is no other way. Even if you do get intuitive "nudges" to question the the nature of numerous beliefs you have been told about (such as the nature of happiness), you will not be able to truly understand, feel, and live that belief or other beliefs unless you experience them personally first. You have to pay to play. Or in the words of Morpheus, "I can only show you the door. You are the one that has to walk through it."

Departure

The previous 3 examples do not presume to deal with reality. It may be a mistake to assume that they do. They are simply metaphors for consciousness-raising. And what better way to convey the invisible workings of the mind than through metaphors we can tangibly relate to? One common theme in these metaphors is that the main character had to depart his current reality in order to raise his consciousness.

This provides us with insight into our own lives. If we find the need to question a long-held belief, we must depart from it and observe it objectively. The result will either be to embrace the belief more fully because you find it to be true, or to abandon it because you find it to be false. Though books, friends, movies, my posts, and even your own thoughts may help you grasp certain beliefs conceptually, they will not allow you to raise your consciousness - or, put even more intuitively, to "feel" those beliefs.

To raise your consciousness about (Western) society, pack your bag and travel to Asia, Africa, or South America. To raise your consciousness about human thought and emotion, start meditating. To raise your consciousness about what truly matters in life, let everything go. You can't just read about it. To truly understand it, you have to do it. Keep in mind however, that being conditioned to expect fast and tangible results does not facilitate these undertakings.

It's difficult, no doubt about it. But as the saying goes, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

Take it Easy!

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves. - Victor Frankl

All paths lead back to the origin. Back to the root. Back to control. From the halls of Abdeen Palace in Egypt on this very day, to the moment your ex-significant other cut the relationship ties, to the rejection letter from your dream college, to the passing of a loved one, to being fired from your job for arriving late. Our most painful memories, as well as all of our problems, converge on the loss of control in the midst of addiction to... well, control. Things should work and do work as we expect them to - but only in the fantastical world of the mind. Reality works through different forces.

We weave the sense of control into existence through an autonomous development of expectations. Like a faceless and shapeless structural engineer of the mind, our frontal lobe lays down the imaginary steel tracks for the train of expectations to travel through. But in reality, the tracks aren't made of steel. They are as void of substance as the engineer who laid them. But we live our lives as if the opposite were true. And each and every time that the train of expectations derails from these illusory tracks, it crashes into the sensitive and vulnerable regions of our minds. When our expectations are not met, we hurt, we lose confidence, and we lose trust. The problem is that our brains have evolved to become hyperactive, relentless, merciless, and seemingly unstoppable creators of expectations. I believe that here, exactly here, lies the key to our unresolved potential for lasting happiness. We gotta take it easy.

The instinct to control our environment is extremely primitive. Our bipedal hominid ancestors established very basic measures of control such as hoarding food and protecting territorial boundaries for the simple and straightforward purpose of prolonging their existence. "Me save deer leg for cold day." I would assume they spent the rest of the day sitting on their ass in a cave, chillin, and maybe drawing elephants and bushes on rare occasions. In this setting, the instinct to control served them well, precisely because it had very few applications, but all critical to their existence. The instinct to control has prevailed in the gene pool until the present day, where its purpose as a mechanism for self-preservation has, for the most part, completely vanished. It inundates our lives to the point we vehemently attempt to control every thought, every want, and every whim our minds can produce. But to what end? It's not about the deer leg anymore.

It's about controlling everything we think we need. And what exactly do we need? If you ask your parents, it's to get a degree. If you ask your wife, it's to get a [better] job. If you ask your history professor, it's to study history.  If you watch FOX, it's to buy gas masks for the impending biological terrorist attacks. If you watch Lifetime, it's to find a knight in shining armor. If you watch commercials, it might be a million and one different things, from plastic surgery to the Twilight Eclipse Blu-ray. Our control sensor twitches with each "need" input, urging us to acquire, or rather, attempt to control our external environment in some way. But again, this control sensor was meant to prolong our existence, not to drive us crazy. We won't face impending doom without a Twilight Blu-ray, college degree, gas mask, or breast implants, but we may very well feel like we will.

A recent psychology study confirmed that the effect of increased or decreased income levels on happiness is almost negligible. Controlling our environment through acquisition, consumption, and wealth accumulation does shit for our levels of happiness apart from perhaps a 10-second head rush. Instead the constant mental rumination and mind wandering about what we want/need to control actually makes us less happy. And we do this a lot without realizing it. For this reason, I say we are conditioned to take our present 21st century lives too seriously, thus taking ourselves too seriously. Our needs, our wants, our pursuits, our material goods, our relationships... we would live much happier lives by not exerting our junkie-like addiction to control everything and everyone around us. Let them happen as they do happen. Let the pieces fall where they may. Let it be.

Eastern philosophies are popular in the west because they provide a method of doing exactly this, while western societies promote more worry, more stress, and more vain attempts to control. Armani, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, BMW, Patek Philippe, and countless others will try to convince you that their products hold the same or even greater value than the deer leg. Our brains will believe it and alter our moods, behaviors, and thoughts as if these things truly mattered to some nebulous aspect of our existence. That's fucked up. But we don't just do this with material goods. Our addiction to control spreads to every single aspect of our lives, providing intermittent spurts of happiness at the very best, and disastrous plunges into the bowels of depression and anxiety at the worst. Life is not so complicated, but we make it so. "Take it easy" may then be the most worthwhile piece of advice ever uttered by a rational being.

The Spirit of the Age

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.            - Arthur Schopenhauer

Understanding other people comes as second nature to us. Our interpersonal evaluative abilities have been trained, augmented, and refined by the simple daily act of living with others in a society. We use this ability everyday. In seconds, or even fractions of a second, we can gauge another person's intentions and motivations to a greater or lesser degree. Call it street smarts, intuition, sixth sense, experience, or simply evolution, we are somehow "programmed" to quickly see strengths and deficiencies in others. But evaluating ourselves... here is where we run into problems. Why do traits and behaviors in others seem so well-defined, so visibly sharp, so exposed, while self-evaluation can oftentimes be likened to a journey through a shapeless nebula?

I'd like to invite you to watch this documentary, if you haven't already. It was suggested by one of this blog's readers (thank you Marc) and I found it fascinating. There may be parts you agree or disagree with more than others, but its doubtless value lies in provoking introspection, not simply of yourself, but of your place in society and in the world. If you mostly see the negatives, give yourself the opportunity to practice optimism and look for the bright side. Look for the positive. Look for what's good. It's long, but I wouldn't post it if I didn't think it was worth our time. Get some popcorn and make it a movie night!

As you may know, I began a journey of introspection not too long ago, galvanized by the severe lack of introspection promoted, or at least tolerated, by society. This movie provides answers to many deep-rooted questions and concerns unearthed by my introspection. Maybe it can answer some of yours too. Enjoy.

The Social Sacrifice Hypothesis

Empathy takes time, and efficiency is for things, not people.

Our capitalistic culture has induced a deterioration in our ability to develop meaningful relationships with ourselves and others. This may be capitalism's worst consequence. Uncrossable moral chasms stand between our impoverished relationships and the higher moral and emotional needs that distinguish our humanity. We sacrifice empathy, honesty, patience, morality, and compassion for personal success. These moral chasms can be felt. Even if you are a citizen of the United States (the country with the most visible symptoms) and conditioned to emotionally-bankrupt social bonds, you can feel the chasms too, intuitively. I know you can, but you have to reach deep in order to do so. Come explore with me.

The American Dream... let's start here
We may take it for granted, but America has always been a truly unique and magical place for human beings to reside in. It still is. The intoxicating allure of America has been romantically contained in the dream of the poor immigrant who arrives on U.S. shores and single-handedly elevates the socioeconomic status of he and his family in only one generation. Until the U.S. hit full economic stride in the 20th century, a dream like this had never existed anywhere on our small blue planet. No matter how bad you wanted to succeed, your economic success always depended on the influence of others - namely government, society, church, and family. America then had a beautiful dream that boldly shifted that dependency - from them to you. The dream's internal engine - capitalism and market culture - promises that if you want it bad enough, if you work hard enough, and if you sacrifice deeply enough, you will flourish. It all depends on you, big boy. No one else. Not no mo'.

Though it has a "righteous ring" to it, depending solely on yourself is not an easy proposition. In fact, it's fucking hard. If things get screwy, guess who swallows the blame - you, baby, all you. That's scary. Before, we were members of a tribe, a group, a community, or at least a closely-knit family that shared the burden of life's successes and catastrophes with us. We were not alone then. But this "sharing" element has essentially vanished from our heavily individualistic society. The drastic paradigm shift to an over-reliance on yourself and an under-reliance on others spawned three critical and interconnected social phenomena that have distanced us from each other:

• Habituated solitude
• Aggrandizement of the ego
• Erosion of interpersonal trust

Alone in the Crowd

We live in an increasingly hostile social environment. Why hostile? Because we are alone under tremendous amounts of social pressure to succeed. By permeating every corner of our society, market culture has elevated the priority of success above all else, including our bonds with those closest to us. By accepting that we don't need to depend on others for success, we grow more insular and more habituated to pursuing our own self-interests - alone. We enjoy the BMW 5-series, 50-inch plasma, Bose home theater system, state-of-the-art kitchen, imported Italian leather living room set, heated indoor swimming pool, and the Prada designer sweater for the hairless chihuahua... by ourselves... and maybe with the chihuahua. But we are essentially alone in the crowd. Not physically, but yes emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. The greater concern is that we are habituated to this profound solitude. It is now considered normal to be completely closed to others. And what's the most natural way of coping with this lonely and hostile environment? Toughen up, sissy.

The feminist movement is a visible example of habituated solitude through toughening. In the noble pursuit of equal opportunity, equal respect, and equal voice in society, feminism has suffered a severe distortion. Like a train without brakes, the movement overcompensated for inequality, rocketing past its intended destination, and hardened women primarily against men and secondarily against love. "I'm a strong, tough, independent woman who has never needed to depend on a man for anything" is a statement commonly uttered with pride.. but commonly uttered alone. Many emotional and psychological barriers are raised by women in efforts to protect an exaggerated and, for the most part, misunderstood desire for individualism. By fiercely defending this need, women are alienating themselves from men. Watch Jerry Maguire for an example of this. But neither women nor men are to blame for we have all been trained by our culture to expertly alienate others. The "battle of the sexes" is simply another exercise in alienation through superiority. And there are many to choose from.

Who Needs 'Please' when we've got Guns? 

We are superior to others. This simple oxymoron psychologically strengthens us to deal with a cannibalistic social world, where everyone is out for themselves. It prepares us for personal success in the market culture. But if we believe we are superior to others, then our esteem for them naturally erodes. Why bother ourselves with "little people", or those who have seemingly little to offer us? When everyone adopts this perspective however, we all become "little people" to each other. Welcome to hobbit land, Frodo. It is then OK to compete without limits, it is OK to adopt a self-centered worldview, it is OK to win at the expense of others, it is even OK to win at the expense of yourself - as long as you win.

The focus is on my success after all.

My dreams, my goals, my reputation, my achievements, my social identity, my feelings, and my convenience have trumped the interpersonal virtues of empathy, compassion, patience, and tolerance. Sue my family for emotional distress? Sure, I'm hurt and they had it coming anyway. Badmouth my best friend at work to get closer to that promotion? Hey, business is business baby. Now take marriage, perhaps the most profound, complex, and fulfilling of all human social bonds in the western world, but also sometimes the most tedious, time-consuming, and inconvenient as well. We have the highest divorce rate in the world partly due to the inconvenience of marriage. Our lack of empathy, coupled with a ravenous hunger for instant gratification and immediate results, devours the slightest inconvenience as if it were a quadruple quarter-pounder with extra cheese. The point is, we get stuffed on experiences, sicken of them shortly after, and then bounce without second thoughts. The market culture has trained our minds for this - to tire quickly. Besides, who has time to savor, appreciate, digest, and cherish with so many other harvests to reap, so many channels to surf, so many restaurants to try, so much information to access, and so much technology to purchase? On a side note, anyone know when the Ipad 2 is coming out?

Empathy is just really inconvenient sometimes...

• New Yorkers step over a dying man
• Teenage boys go on school killing spree in a display of power
• Young girls starve themselves for beauty
• Hospitals refuse care to the uninsured; price is put on fingers

When Mistrust Comes In, Love Goes Out
Relationships are not business transactions. But in the words of Thomas Jefferson, "the merchant has no homeland" anymore. Thanks to market culture, the merchant is now free to practice business anywhere he pleases... at work, on the street, overseas, in his home, in your home, and even in love. Our relationships have become tit-for-tat negotiations, you give me this, I give you that. In his book "Linchpin," Seth Godin argues that a few hundred years ago, members of the same tribe did favors for each other without expectations of reciprocity. Business (a reciprocal transaction) was done solely with strangers, in this case, members of outlying tribes. By treating all of our relationships like business, we have turned everyone into strangers, even those closest to us. This has spawned a virulent lack of trust that now underlies all of our interpersonal interactions. Pick up the hitchhiker at Midtown? Careful, you know that poor people have homicidal tendencies. Let 8 year old Michelle play outside by herself? Not with all those sexual predators on the loose. Share a taxi cab ride with a stranger and split the cost? Well, you get the picture, few people would agree to this. Let's return to the realm of marriage for the final example:

Will you sign a prenuptial agreement with the one person you decide to spend the rest of your life with? 

Will you sign it with the person that makes you "whole"? The one you will love and care for in sickness and in health? Through the good times and the bad? Are these words just fluff? Placeholders? Do they mean anything? Are they just unrealistic for our times? Or just too idealistic? Perhaps the simple answer is: we don't trust them and they don't trust us. Ask yourself if that's normal. Ask yourself if that's right. We place so much value on interpersonal trust but let our sky castles crumble in the face of truth. In forcing ourselves to depend on ourselves, we forgot how to depend on others and how to allow others to depend on us. This phenomenon is festering in all of our relationships. You can't trust strangers, you can't trust friends, you can't trust family, you can't even trust your partner, and they can't trust you either. But hey, it's not all bad, at least they can't touch our bling. Yea!

Salvation or Starvation
Have you ever given up your seat on the subway to an older person, helped a stranger shovel the snow on his driveway, or given your coworker a gift without expectations? When you show even a little genuine empathy to others, you will see their eyes twinkle. That twinkle is not solely a sign of gratitude. It's a sign of rough times. A sign of starvation. We are emotionally and spiritually starved for empathy, kindness, authenticity, and a reconnection with our true selves. To continue starving, we should just keep doing what we're doing. Succeed more, acquire more, and win more at the expense of others and ourselves. I have a strong feeling however, that this road does not lead to happiness as we supposed.

Salvation, on the other hand, requires a raising of national consciousness to cultivate empathy and compassion in every single individual. Only when we step into the shoes of the other person can we even begin to understand the problem. Tenderness and kindness must also be reassociated with strength and virtue instead of weakness and despair. The obstacle? All of this goes against our nature. But then again, most great feats accomplished by our fellow men and women have gone against predictable human nature. Just ask Shakespeare, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa,  the Buddha...

Empathy is not a faucet that turns on and off, it's an ability that must be trained. Begin at home. Begin with loved ones. Then practice, practice, practice. It may be the greatest gift you ever give yourself and others.

Further Reading

• Rich, Free, & Miserable 
• Humanity on a Tightrope
• Culture of Narcissism
• The Lonely Crowd
• Revolutionary Road
• Generation Me
• The Overspent American