On the Elusiveness of True Love

I don't personally trust any revolution where love is not allowed - Maya Angelou

My interest in psychology and sociology primarily lies in their capacity to explain human relationships. Why do I concentrate on relationships? For 3 important reasons:

1. Impact: Relationships have a proven deterministic effect on each person's overall happiness and well-being. 
2. Curiosity: Ever since I arrived from Europe, I have noticed a striking divide between how Americans treat each other and how Europeans treat each other. I've always wondered why this difference exists.
3. Altruism: From my life experiences, I've realized it's possible - though very difficult - to change our perspectives. We can, therefore, modify our views on relationships; I think this shift should subsequently lead to greater happiness or satisfaction with life in general. I only share in hopes that it may help.

2 underlying factors serve to explain relationship dynamics in any country: the specific values embedded into us by society/culture and how a repeated stimulus (i.e. a societal/cultural value) shapes our brain. I'm particularly interested in how these 2 factors function in the U.S. population because (a) I live here, and (b) I feel that a significant obstacle to relationship development exists.

I think the following excerpt reveals this obstacle. I do believe that it can be overcome however (I would not write this post if I didn't believe this - my aim is not to discourage). The excerpt is long and not easy to read, but I think it is accurate. When you reach the end, check out the date when it was written...

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IF LOVE is a capacity of the mature, productive character, it follows that the capacity to love in an individual living in any given culture depends on the influence this culture has on the character of the average person. If we speak about love in "contemporary Western culture,” we mean to ask whether the social structure of Western civilization and the spirit resulting from it are conducive to the development of love. To raise the question is to answer it in the negative. No objective observer of our Western life can doubt that love--brotherly love, motherly love, and erotic love--is a relatively rare phenomenon, and that its place is taken by a number of forms of pseudo-love which are in reality so many forms of the disintegration of love.

The Poverty of Human Utility

Efficiency is for things, not people - Stephen Covey

Human beings are not tools, but we treat ourselves as such. We have come to gauge self-worth in terms of what we do well and what we don't do well; what we can offer, and what we can't. This utilitarian view of ourselves and others ignores to acknowledge the true inherent "value" of human beings. What do I mean by inherent value? Appreciating someone just for being. I know, sounds alien right? This is a pity because we, as members of the same species, are the only ones capable of appreciating another human being's inherent value. Imagine a pair of scissors you buy at CVS. If they cut well, then the scissors are cool. If they don't cut well, or they're dull, then the scissors are not cool; in fact, throw them out. Here's a different example:

Do the tasks in your life leave little time for your family and friends? Are the requirements at work increasing everyday? Do you have time to talk with your co-workers, friends, and family? The Digital Age has brought convenience, but at the same time, our lives seem more complicated. Having a Social Support System can ease the stress and strain of everyday life. 

- taken from an ad for a health insurance company

Where can I buy this system? Does it come with instructions? What's the tech support number in case I have problems? The term "Social Support System" focuses on the utility of human relationships. Wondering about the utility of something is simply wondering "what is it good for?" or rather, "how can I use it?" In this case, the message transmitted to the reader is that the utility (or function) of people is to assist you in relieving stress and strain. It is problematic to think of human beings in this way however, and it's also... quite unhuman to do so. We haven't evolved the seemingly magical capacity for emotion, language, love, and human thought for no reason. Right? Well, the current societal lens through which we we view relationships may be hiding this magic from view. 

Some Examples

Facebook and other similar sites seem to add more fuel to the fire, facilitating our perception of friends - aka human beings - as units in a network seemingly designed to provide us with all the evaluative tools needed to measure our own self-worth. How many friends do you have? Or, how many happy birthday messages did you get on your birthday? 32, yeah? Well I got 42, sucka.

Go to any networking class. Networking classes are interesting because they shamelessly encourage techniques aimed at exploiting the utility of other people. If you see someone you like at a conference or other public event, networking professionals can show you how to "maneuver" yourself - through physical and psychological adjustments - to manipulate a person's perception of you. These lessons, the fact that they are accepted in society, and the fact that networking professionals even exist, are also problematic to the valuation of inherent human worth.

Consider the following terms and questions:

• "social support system," 
• "human resource management" 
• "human capital"
• "what have you done for me?" 
• "what do you have to offer?" 
• "why should I pay attention to you?" 
• etc.

Uttering one or more of these may be a fairly reliable indicator of a utilitarian perspective and their ubiquitous use in human relationships is further detrimental to the development of the best possible measures of human worth. How did this focus on "what can that person offer me" come about? Well, the "maximization of resources" tenet of industrialization and economics that runs unchecked and unchallenged in the professional world seems to have spilled over into the personal world. We have been taught to maximize everything, from tests at school, to grades, to our jobs, to our incomes, to our degrees, to our partners, to our children, etc. People are not resources however, nor can they be maximized without deep psychological consequences.

3 personal exploratory questions:

• Can I see how treating others in this way is utilitarian (focusing on their usefulness)?
• If so, is it good?
• How can we focus the mind on inherent value rather than on utility?
  

If you can't see this, then my suggestion for the first question is travel. Go away, beyond these borders. South America, Asia, Africa, wherever. Just go. Stay for an extended period of time - a couple of months or more. And reflect. We need to step outside of the system to even see it. Perhaps there are other ways, I'm not sure. But travel may be a good place to start. The rest of the answers seem to come on their own after that.

Thank you reader, simply for reading.

3 Articles

"Is the World Too Big to Fail?" by Noam Chomsky
On the current state of the world











"The words that could unlock your child" on BBC
On how to give praise to others... not just children. Highlights an experiment by Stanford social psychologist Carol Dweck










 Interview with Stanford Professor Clifford Nass on FRONTLINE
On multitasking

Bad is Stronger than Good (research series)

It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it. - Benjamin Franklin

If I were to say "God, why me?" about the bad things, then I should have said "God, why me?" about the good things. - Arthur Ashe

Bad things are more attractive, have a greater impact, and are longer lasting on our memory than good things. Bad emotions are stronger than good emotions. The same goes for bad parents vs. good parents, critiques vs. compliments, failures vs. achievements, etc. We are more motivated to avoid bad self-definitions than to pursue good ones. Our brains process bad information much more thoroughly than good information. Hardly any exceptions can be found (where good is stronger than bad).

Think about it. Why is it that no matter how many great things we have accomplished in life, one negative outcome can make us feel worthless? Why is it that no matter how excellent a romantic relationship we've nurtured, it takes but one regrettable comment to spark a destructive downward spiral? One horrible traumatic experience (rape, abuse, violence, etc.) can mutate our behaviors and perspectives for life. Can you think of a positive equivalent of trauma? Barbara Frederickson, a respected psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, determined that it takes approximately 3 positive experiences to offset 1 negative experience - and that ratio may only be valid for mild negative experiences...

Two questions: 

• why is bad stronger than good? 
• what does this mean to us?

Why?

Evolution offers a satisfying answer: paying more attention to negative things helped our ancestors avoid death. Being extra cautious thousands of years ago helped them avoid death and, therefore, have more sex - greatly benefiting the future proliferation of their genes. Taking a leisurely stroll through the heart of the jungle to enjoy the sounds of nature, the aroma of wild flowers, and the fluttering of butterflies did little to prolong any mammal's survival - in fact, such a foolish decision could swiftly wipe that mammal's DNA from the gene pool if unlucky enough to encounter a sharply-toothed or clawed predator. The myriad of different species we see in the world today, including our own, are here because their ancestors did not stop to "listen to the music" or to "smell the flowers" - they are here because their ancestors avoided death time and time again by developing caution. Fear promotes cautious behavior. Safety is and has always been the top priority of all species and our brains have evolved accordingly.

Fear and certainty is good. Courage and uncertainty is bad. If listening to the music and smelling the flowers is useless... then where is happiness placed in this context?

So what?

We lean towards negativity and pessimism by our very nature. We see threats to our survival everywhere. Our brains are continuously on the lookout for these threats and, if one is found (and it always is), the brain activates the alarm of the central nervous system. Stress hormones are released, muscles tense up, the heart pumps faster, breaths are shorter, etc. We are in fight-or-flight mode. Unfortunately for us, imaginary threats to our survival have the same effect on us. In our everyday lives, I'd say that 99% of threats are imaginary, and these sustain us in a perpetual state of neurotic self-activation. They don't even have to be big threats...

As a teenager, I'd break out a lot. I would get one or two really big blemishes, on my forehead, or my cheeks or chin, and they'd last forever. I felt like they became the focus of my face. I felt like no matter how much makeup I put on, that's all people looked at: my huge, red, sore pimples. It was really devastating. - Jennifer Berry, Proactiv Celebrity Spotlight

So what? Well, how can something as insignificant as a pimple feel like a devastating life experience? Maybe a teenager is told that pimples make you look ugly. Maybe if you're ugly, the opposite sex will never want to talk to you. Maybe you'll never procreate. Maybe your genes will die off. Our brains make unconscious associations and sound the alarm. Panic. Commercial products like Proactiv provide salvation to these imagined threats that our brains are unable to distinguish from real threats. All we know is that we are being threatened and must either flee or eradicate the source of threat. Proactiv then becomes "awesome".

Expand this phenomenon to every other aspect of life and you have the negativity bias – an extremely powerful evolutionary adaptation that compels us to gravitate towards and give undue attention and priority to negative shit. Now you know why Fox News has the most viewers.

Our brains hold the key to our emotions and moods. Happiness is not easy to reach if we are prone to the negative. Don't make it worse by criticizing, scolding, pressuring, and ruminating about negative things. Your unconscious brain already does that ridiculously well. With the little conscious ability we do have, be kind to yourself. It may be the only path to lasting happiness.

Citations:

• Baumeister, R.F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K.D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5, 323-370.
• Fredrickson, Barbara L.; Losada, Marcial F.(2005). Positive Affect and the Complex Dynamics of Human Flourishing. American Psychologist, Vol 60(7), Oct 2005, 678-686.

Perspectival Shift

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know - Ernest Hemingway
 
Numerous realizations over the previous 7 months have given me access to the bigger picture, not just of the corporate world I initially renounced, but of life itself. Perhaps this "view from the outside" may be what I had been striving for all along - back when I canceled my MBA applications. Like a pebble stuck in your shoe, under your foot... you can't see it but you can feel it. While it's administering intermittent spurts of discomfort, there's no way to guarantee that it's even a pebble. You might then wonder, "hey, maybe I'm just imagining it, you know, maybe there's nothing even there. Maybe if I ignore it, the discomfort will go away." But the feeling's undeniable. What is this feeling? It's the feeling of being detached from what truly matters.

I guess some people just try to pull the pebble out. Part of the research and studies I've been working on revolves around the scientific basis for happiness. Questions such as:

• what do we believe makes us happy? 
• are our beliefs correct?
• are there different types of happiness? 
• is anything preventing us from reaching it (them)?
• is there a common underlying structure to the experience of happiness?
• what is this structure?
• and... does happiness matter?

The collective findings may not be very comforting... for various reasons and especially at first. In the coming weeks I would like to share some of my personal thoughts on these findings and on the questions listed above. Let's see if this train goes anywhere at all.

Bending First

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken. -Albert Camus

Something's different. I have been welcomed quite pleasantly by the people here at the university -- students and faculty alike. Some have even opened up to helping me on the PhD career path in significant and perhaps life-altering ways that I could not have envisioned before. But me? Why are they helping me? After all, I'm simply a stranger with an obscure background and a short list of contacts. Surprising? Only at first. But I have been experiencing a generalized "empathic" aura emanating from those around me. People want to help me. The funny thing is that it emanates more strongly from strangers. Besides, it's quite unextraordinary for family members or the closest of friends to lend a hand... but for complete strangers to do so, especially when coming from very different backgrounds? What's going on?

I think Bill Clinton knows. In his speech at Harvard University in 2007, he stated,

"Human beings... are 99.9% identical, genetically." 

"It’s too bad that we spend much more time thinking about the .1 percent that divides us than the 99.9 percent that we have in common, because that imbalance keeps us from making positive changes in the world."

The main idea of this post is that there are no strangers. We are all the same. We are all in this together. We all experience the journey of life in the same ways. Sure the life of a starving child in Bihar -- one of the poorest states in India -- may seem alien to us, otherwordly perhaps, and detrimental even, to our understanding, acceptance, and embracement of Clinton's "99.9% identical" idea. But think about it. Say that the geographic lottery chose Bihar as your birthplace, instead of the U.S., Europe, Australia, or wherever your birthplace actually is. How do you think you would deal with the challenges and obstacles of your life? How would you deal with the severe food shortage, contaminated water, and other challenging life conditions? Where would you be? Where would I be? Probably in a very similar, or even identical, position as that child --- starving and illiterate on the streets of Bihar. We all experience life in similar ways and therefore we respond to life in similar ways. Our humanity precedes and supersedes our experiences, circumstances, and individualized identities.

How does this relate to empathy and my warm welcome? Well, we are social beings for starters. The scientific research on happiness shows that social relations reign over almost all other sources of well-being -- yes, even over McDonald's french fries :) We are moved to tears over acts of outstanding empathy and even feel encouraged to imitate the goodness of others to at least lesser degrees. Give empathy, humility, and direct consideration to others selflessly, even strangers, and they are compelled to reciprocate. I am pushing myself to give empathy, show humility, and continuously put others' needs before mine. It's not easy, but it gets easier. Whether they be scientists from developed nations or poor children from Bihar, we all respond to our shared humanity above all else. I think that this is the reason why I'm here.

Our minds are wired to give back automatically -- but they're not wired to give first. So give. Give without hesitation. Give without thought to the self. Be selfless. Just give.Whoever it is, wherever we are, we all open up. But you have to open first. You are the first to bend. So bend.

Practical Results

The path doesn't exist. It is created with each step you take.

Let me rewind. The purpose of this blog was to document a journey in thought and in action through the wilderness of a 27-year-old's search for meaning. I knew that canceling my MBA applications to pursue a passion I had minimal formal training in would force me to reach beyond my familiar means and notions of how to progress towards a typical goal. One of the very first steps I took led me to Asia to learn meditation with Buddhist monks. This next step has led me to becoming a researcher at Harvard University. I understand the means I'm using to advance down this path are not those typically publicized in the news, advocated by mom and dad, nor suggested in any career-hunter's guide -- the only means I use are those dictated by my intuition. Why? Because my intuition is smarter than I am. Huh?

My workload is increasing as well as my understanding. My brain is being inundated with so much information that it's exploded and right now I'm on the floor trying to pick up all the pieces. I'll post more updates soon when I begin making more sense of what's transpiring. Besides, there is always a bit more juice to squeeze out of these experiences. A big thank you to those who have - and are - supporting me.

The journey is getting interesting. Stay tuned.